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After UT Smoke-Free Campus Email, Bro Takes Ceremonial Last Vape

Starting Aug. 1, UT’s dry campus will become a smoke-free campus, which includes all forms of e-cigarettes. Responses thus far have been varied, ranging from your mom’s statement of “Finally!” to anger from various frat members.

Tyler Hendrickson, a junior majoring in business, falls into the second category. When asked for his opinions on the new policy, he stared pensively at UT’s weird-steaming sewers before taking a hit off his JUUL. A cloud of mango-scented steam wreathed his head as he finally spoke: “E-cigs, too?”

When informed that it was not just traditional tobacco products that were affected by the policy, Hendrickson shared a moment of quiet grief with his JUUL.

 

 

“That’s fucked up, man. First, the dry campus—now this?”

Preparing to take his final UT-legal huff of fruit-flavored nicotine, Hendrickson was informed that the policy would take several months to go into effect. “Oh. Never mind,” he said, before going into a long diatribe about how his buddy Todd never got caught using his pod in class.

Hendrickson is not alone in wondering how his life will change under the ban. Other students’ plans for evading the policy include a chain of people attempting to shotgun smoke all the way off campus, hotboxing with a vape pen in a Honda Civic, and exhaling smoke out of windows like a freshman trying to avoid setting off the fire alarms.

At press time, Mr. Hendrickson was speaking passionately about freedom of choice.

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