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The Story Of 4 Students Who Can’t Hold Things, Just Like How UTK’s Offense Can’t Seem To Hold Onto The Ball

Tensions are high on campus after last weekend’s game against Florida. By the end of the third quarter, Tennessee was down by 20, and they did not pull off any miracles before the game finished. One of the main reasons for their loss was the amount of turnovers UTK’s offense had throughout the game. (Six. Six-motherf**king-turnovers.) While it may seem easy to blame the players, many across UT’s campus of them suffer from a chronic illness that makes it impossible to grip anything for long. Let’s hear their stories.

4.) Chad’s let job stability slip through his fingers: 

Chad has suffered from chronic butterfingers for about three years now, which has drastically affected his career. “I’ve never been able to hold a job for more than two months,” Chad said. “No matter what, my hands always fail me, and I end up dropping something.” Chad detailed to us many instances of dropping plates, paperwork, and various other objects that caused him to be unemployed. “The worst one was when I was working at a gas station Hardee’s and I dropped the day’s earnings into the deep fryer. That didn’t go over well.”

3.) Tyler can’t hold onto a good grade in class: 


Tyler, meanwhile, has failed the majority of his classes due to being unable to hold a pencil in class. Most of his homework has never been turned in, and major tests are a struggle for him at every turn. “My current strategy is to learn to write with my mouth with the pencil between my teeth, but it’s a stiff learning curve and I’m running out of time fast. Some have suggested taking a laptop around, but I already have tried that three times, and they’ve been dropped and broken every time.”

2.) Andrew fumbled staying in touch with his family: 


While the others may have shattered their career prospects, Andrew has lost the respect of all people in his family. “I have dropped three babies across various family get togethers. When my grandfather died, he violently fell out of his casket because I was selected as a pallbearer. The shame I have brought upon my mother and father is too immense to recount.” Andrew says he has not seen any member of his family in three years, and wishes to keep them at a distance.

1.) Nick’s can’t hold a jar to save the game (or his life): 

Perhaps the worst off is Nick, whose slick fingers makes it nearly impossible to open any jar. “It’s totally demasculinizing. Every time I want a fucking pickle, I have to make my roommate open the jar. I then look like a pussy who can’t even open a simple jar. Just awful.” Nick is considering dropping out due to the social ostracization from being unable to open any jar.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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