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UTK PD Announces Website for Reporting Crimes They Won’t Investigate

You thought it would never happen, but it did: Your shitty laptop got stolen at Hodges Library while you were downstairs ordering an iced caramel macchiato.

Luckily, the UTK PD has opened a new page just for people like you: Police to Citizens (“P2C”). This new webpage will allow Vols to report thefts or vandalism under $1,000 when the suspect is unknown, but, according to UTK PD police officer Daryll Clarke, “we won’t investigate that shit.”  

“We opened the page up so that kids could vent about losing their iPod, or whatever the hell they have these days,” Clarke said. “We’re hoping that by venting their frustrations, they’ll get all their anger out without requiring an investigation.”

Clarke proceeded to to pick up an old paper copy report of a theft at Hodges and threw it in the recycling bin.

“Plus, it allows us to be green,” Clarke said. “Supposedly that’s what the kids are into, besides getting their things stolen, obviously.”

Even though police are unlikely to launch an investigation into some stolen Beats or some textbook access codes, some students are hopeful about the new service.

“Yeah, someone wrote ‘nice parking’ in Sharpie on my windshield, which is annoying because my parking wasn’t even that bad,” said an anonymous student, who took up two whole commuter spaces with an ancient coupe. “But I reported it on the new page because I actually bought my car for $500 from some guy on Craigslist.”

Other students find this website as just another unnecessary step that delays the inevitable. 

“If I wanted nothing to be done about the shit I’ve lost around campus the past few years, I’d keep it to myself,” said junior Greg Wilson. “This is just a classic case of government overstepping their role and then lacking the resources to do anything about it.” 

In response to campus concerns from recent events, UTPD is testing out a new submission service, “Hate Speech Report Service.” The HSRS, located by the Rock, is an anonymous tip box which may or may not deposit student reports directly into the sewers.


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