UT Parents Weekend has come to an end, and you no longer have to pretend to have your life together. Congrats, you survived! You can go back to your alcohol-ridden daily life and sleeping through your 8 a.m.’s again. After the disappointment that was the UMass game, The Black Sheep’s Research Division has broken down the six most common types of parents we saw this weekend. Find out how your parents stack up against the competition:
6.) The 50-year-old frat boy:
Chug, chug, chug, chug! Everyone knows a guy like this, and his name is probably Chad, Thad, Troy, or Mark. He went on for three hours about his glory years in Alpha Sigma Sigma and the wild times he had, all while he’s sizing up the eighteen-year-old girls at the tailgate. He probably has been buying his son alcohol since he was 14, and his greatest fear is his son not making it into the same chapter that he was in. They’re alpha males of the highest degree.
5.) The helicopter mom:
The type of mom that just wants to make sure her little poopsy baby is safe at all times. An alpha mother, she would do anything to keep her cub safe. She is not above hacking into her son’s UT email account and sending out threats to professors, as well as stalking her son’s friend’s social media accounts to make sure that he is eating well and that he is NOT partying. She was the one wearing the cardigan.
4.) The disappointed dad:
This is the type of parent who bought Harvard onesies for their kid as a baby, and is still trying to preserve his own youth by living vicariously through his children. He wants his kids to do what he feels is best for them, despite what their take on the situation might be, and most definitely remembers his daughter the way she was before she joined her sorority. He seems like the kind of guy who has left a space on the wall for your diploma in his “study” (cigar and brandy room).
3.) The cool mom:
She’s hip with the times and knows what the kids are into these days. She likely wore wearing yoga pants and black Nikes, and all this weekend, you were often wondering how someone so amazing could have given birth to the flaming garbage pile that is her kid. Also, you’re jealous of how many Instagram followers she has. She probably teaches yoga on the side, speaks 17 languages, and could kick your ass at Halo. How does she do it all?
2.) The “my child is and honors student” parent:
The simple explanation for this one is just to picture the type of person who drives a minivan covered in bumper stickers. You’ve got your 26.2 sticker, the stick-figure family, and, of course, the sticker for the church they attend every Sunday promptly at 9 a.m. This is the type of parent with the “Can I Speak To Your Manager” haircut. She thinks everything is a competition, and, as of this weekend, is holding a grudge against you for not waving when she waved at you.
1.) The Vol Navy dad:
See number 6, but add two-thirds cup of boating and a splash of water.
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