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Vols Manage Not to Ruin Off Week

Last Saturday during the bye week, the Volunteers played better than they ever had before by managing to not completely ruin the day. Fans of the Vols all around the state cheered as they learned that the Vols had played better last weekend than at any other point this semester.

“It was so dope,” Miles Clark, freshman, told us during the one-man tailgate he was staging in his front yard. “I mean, the boys in orange didn’t ruin our 5-2 record, so that’s a win in my book.”

Miles Clark confirmed that, like millions of people the nation over, he sat with baited breath for the results of the bye week.

“I was on pins and needles, dude,” Clark relayed to us, “Like, waiting to hear what the Vols were going to do something to squander any goodwill they had built up from early in the semester.”

“There were no fumbles, no sacks, no missed field goals or bad calls. It was so great. Basically, we have never played better this season.”  

“I’ve never seen them better,”  Clark told us. “It’s like, the team is their best when they are not, in fact, a football team and when they don’t actually have to compete against other teams. It plays to our strengths to not have our athletes play football, ever.”

Moreover, Miles Clark was relieved to find that, by the time the off week was over, Tennessee had not slipped any further in the SEC ratings. “It was so great to get to Monday morning and not have to worry about the results of the game.”

“I wish every Saturday could be like this, when we all enjoyed the day outside the context of a college football game. It was so nice to go a whole 48 hours without getting a terrible pit in my stomach that we will lose the game and further humiliate ourselves,” Miles Clark ruminated, mirroring our feelings exactly. “Maybe we should make every week an off week.”


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