Admitting defeat is never easy, and you’re definitely going to be doing that once you get back that string of exam grades. You studied (kind of). You tried (sort of). You cut back on your Fortnite time by almost 10 minutes. Where did you go wrong? Regardless of how well-planned your studying was, you are now in this position of failure. Before dropping out and getting a job at Twin Peaks, here are just a few completely reasonable tips that might help get you back on track (as much as possible at this point).
5.) Upload your brain to a computer:
Can’t fail an exam if you already know the exam! While many students are wasting their precious time away studying and memorizing useless and forgettable information, this would assure all the answers were in your head automatically. It could be like Google, and you’ll never need to erase that shameful browser history. Try using one of the computers at Hodges!
4.) Bribe professors:
Some would say to meet with your professors, and that is very correct — but show up with a crisp Benjamin. Money is what makes the world go around, and if you want to turn your grades around, money might just be the solution. Professors understand the value of money, seeing as they barely make any, so this might just be a guaranteed A. All this depends on how much of that tax return you’re willing to sacrifice, though.
3.) Pray to the God of Grades:
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Instead of wasting your time actually reaching out to useless counselors who will only tell you the information you need, the solution might come from the more realistic option of praying (and making a small sacrifice if need be) to the God of Grades. The Black Sheep has attempted numerous strategies of prayer, and the most efficient results have come from kneeling on Pedestrian Walkway and screaming into the clouds: “Save me from my failures, God of Grades!” Bonus points if your attempt is recorded.
2.) Travel back in time to retake the exams:
If watching television has taught the human race anything, it is that time travel is always the answer. Classic media, such as Doctor Who and Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure are perfect sources through which to reverse-engineer a time machine. Sure, you may create a paradox that destroys life as we know it, but it’s worth it for those extra points. A great place to start might even be Estabrook Hall, a building already trapped in the past. Why improve in the future when you could just improve in the past?
The last thing you should do is relax. There is no possible way to dig yourself out of this hole. People around might try to fill your head with the information that “hope is not lost” and “as long as you put in effort, you can still do it,” but that is nonsense. You’re a college student — youi know better than professors, family, UT’s Student Success Center, and people who have literally gone through what you’re going through. The best thing to do right now is nothing but freak out.
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