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7 Ways Your Dorm Betta Fish, Thomas, Will Meet His Untimely Demise

For many new apartment or dorm room residents, it’s time to decorate for the first time and be independent and go absolutely hog-wild at Target! Much to the chagrin of animal lovers everywhere, sometimes students will go “overboard” and adopt a betta fish to live an aesthetically-pleasing yet sad existence. So, how will your new dorm betta fish meet his untimely demise? All aboard the think tank!

7.) Alcoholism:
Sure, that vintage whiskey bottle looked great as a fish tank. You wrapped fairy lights around it and it got 53 likes on Instagram! Despite his newfound social media fame, Thomas’s (oh yeah, his name’s Thomas) lifestyle (and alcohol-tainted water) did not make for a healthy fish.

6.) Toxic masculinity:
You knew you weren’t supposed to put two male betta fish in a bowl together, right? Like, were you going for an aquatic Fight Club? In that single bowl there’s enough testosterone to increase the max weights of the entire T-Recs. Thomas and his friend Macaroni succumbed to the stresses of American masculinity.

5.) Performance art:
Your roommate Dawn, a promising art major, asked to borrow Thomas for a videography project. What could go wrong? A lot, apparently. Dawn stood on Ped Walkway with the fishbowl, filming on an iPhone X while she dared passersby to swallow the fish. No one took her up on it, but she tripped over a club’s table and Thomas learned to fly.

4.) Your friend Carson:
Housewarming party! Your buddy Carson, after vastly depleting your supply of cheap vodka from University Liquors, took a dare and down went Thomas. He feels pretty queasy, but they say fish is a superfood, right? Tell Carson he owes you $5 for a new fish and that he’s buying the booze next time.

3.) Unsafe driving practices:
Yes, it’s pretty stressful to drive in Knoxville. You could’ve at least strapped him in! As you were driving back to your apartment, poor Thomas rode the wave right out of his bowl. You’re not even sure where he went. Hopefully, he got flung out the window on Chapman Highway and flopped his way to a drainage ditch. Or maybe he’s still in your car.

2.) Roommate disagreements of the furry kind:
Why did you choose a pet-friendly apartment? Dawn’s cat, Amélie, decided that it wasn’t enough to claw the couch and shed fur all over your interview suit. She had to commit emotional warfare by eating your pet. Or maybe she was just hungry? Dawn did put her on that vegan diet, after all.

1.) BONUS GOOD ENDING: Improvise, adapt, overcome:
After realizing that you were not emotionally capable of caring for anything needier than a cactus, you released Thomas into the Tennessee River. Remember that chemical spill UT warned us about? It made its way to the river like every other gross thing around here. Faced with experimental chemicals, Thomas mutated into something like the fishman guy from The Shape of Water but less Oscar-winning. Meet your new cryptid, Knoxville!

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