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UT Construction Site Revealed to Be Secret Club for Professors

Late last night, UT junior Amanda Wu was walking home from the PCL only to hear loud, disruptive noises coming from between the Tower and the SAC. The source of the noise was coming from the fenced-off construction site. She chose to approach cautiously.

“I don’t know what I expected to find, but I’ve been watching a lot of How to Get Away with Murder in my astronomy lectures so I think my expectations were pretty high,” Wu told us.

Upon further inspection from Amanda, the noise’s source was coming from a secret club housed within the construction site exclusively for UT’s faculty and staff, complete with its own bouncer who reportedly confiscated Amanda’s fake ID.

“Okay, it was actually really unfair of him to do that because that ID cost me $100. I have no idea how I’m going to get drinks at Cain & Abel’s now,” the distraught college student told us. “That club shit looked popping too.”

After confiscation of her fake, word of the secret club quickly spread, and many others did not have reactions quite as passive as Amanda’s.

“To be quite honest, I just see this as a great networking opportunity with some of my professors,” McCombs student Brenda Flynn said. “I’m really excited by the idea of trying to get in there with my LinkedIn app open! Do you know who I could talk to about what the dress code is?”

Flynn is not alone in this endeavor. Many other business majors have come to seek connections within their industry.

“I’ve always thought that I’d love to buy a beer for one of my professors after class and talk about Austin’s growing tech business,” Andrew Mitchell said. He was later angrily confronting the club’s bouncer after being turned away at the door. “That’s so typical. Probably was a fine arts or English major or something and couldn’t get a job after he graduated.”

While others are bothered by the exclusivity of the club, many are much more concerned by the very presence of the institution. According to early-stage research, the club may be harmfully impacting students and their educational needs.

After a great deal of conversation was ignited by this huge obstruction, there has been talk about what the best next steps in dealing with this situation would ideally be. A campus-wide meeting is scheduled by Greg Fenves for next Wednesday, but working off the email he sent out heavily implies his bias in the matter.

“We plan to discuss the matter in full,” Fenves writes, “but to be completely honest, I don’t see why professors shouldn’t have a more lit version of Texas Exes on campus.”

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