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Local Satire Writer’s Career Devastated By A Winning Season Of Texas Football

A local writer’s hit career rock bottom due to Texas football’s recent success. The five game winning streak, topped off with an exhilarating win against arch rival OU, eliminated huge amounts of hilarious work and comedic potential the writer had prepared to publish assuming Texas would have another sub par football season.

The writer, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us that he’d prepared and written articles for months for what he and many others assumed would be another season of disappointment for the storied program. 

“After the loss to Maryland, I got really excited. I was sure that all my time spent working on satirical articles based on Texas footballs hilarious mediocrity over the summer would pay off,” he stated to no one, since he’s writing this article. “I thought that despite loss after loss to come, I would salvage the humility and dread UT students seem to perpetuate when the football program sucks.”

The writer shared some of the headlines he had in the works, including: “Breaking: Freshman Quarterback Bolt NcCoy To Take Over At Quarterback For Texas,” “Texas Student Takes On 15th Semester In Hopes Of A Decent Football Season,” “Attending Texas Football Games Consistently To Count As 3 Credit Hours,” and “Pluckers To Change Texas Football Win Giveaway To A $20 Bill.” 

Although the position is unpaid, the writer would like you to know he’s “lost everything.”

“I bet all my student loans on USC when they played Texas. And then all my savings on TCU. I have nothing.”

After not being published for months due to a lack of relevant content, his girlfriend left him and took their dog with her. When he asked himself about the situation he began to cry. 

“I was at the top. I was unstoppable. My articles would’ve gone viral. I’m talking 6 even 700 hundred likes on the UT Longmemes page. Curse you Sam Ehlinger! Curse you Dicker the Kicker!”

Although Texas footballs success is a positive for most UT students, some didn’t fare so well. Hopefully Texas football can lose a game or two for the sake of the writer.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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