AUSTIN–In a desperate, last-minute plot to get classes canceled again, sources report that members of UT’s Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity have donated scores of their own cocaine in an effort to trick UT President Greg Fenves into closing all university operations due to winter weather conditions.
“We were thinking, like, we’d sprinkle all this cocaine around Fenvy’s driveway and front yard, and that might convince him that it snowed overnight,” clarified UT Pike President Richie Chad before impressively downing a handle large enough to kill Amy Winehouse a second time.
It appears the Pikes are attempting to double the good fortune of last week, where inclement weather and icy roads resulted in UT shutting down most of its operations and canceling class for the day.
“All I know is I really don’t want to go to any of my finance classes tomorrow,” noted a slurring Chad as he continued to ignore his girlfriend’s texts, much like how Amy Winehouse’s friends and family ignored all the imminent warning signs. “If that means next week’s kickback is going to get canceled because we ran through all of our, like, cocaine, then, like, so be it.”
While most of the UT student body believes the winter magic of school getting canceled may happen again in the near future, reports indicate that the one and only Jack Frost, Conveyor of the Cold and Beckoner of the Northern Winds, has other ideas.
“In a word, no. It’s not happening again. Nothing at the University of Texas is ever supposed to go well for very long, so the one snow day of the year has been used up,” emphasized a belligerent Frost, who was perhaps displacing his sadness at the loss of such a great musical talent in Amy Winehouse onto the poor college students of downtown Austin. “Your only consolation: you can all look forward to another two months of blistering cold winds and miserable rains.”
“I’m not too worried if we get caught. I’m immune from having to take responsibility for anything,” explained Chad as he sat in the deteriorating entryway of the Pike house, ignoring the rotting garbage spread across the TV room like how Amy Winehouse’s career began to slowly deteriorate after the height of Back to Black’s success. “If it comes to the worst, my daddy can just say something to Fenves next Friday when they go golfing.”
At press time, three freshmen pledges have been taken to the hospital after getting hazed into snorting straight Angel Dust in lieu of the missing cocaine.
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