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10 Places to Go When Your New Roommate Sexiles You

It’s happened to all of us our freshman year. You feel your phone vibrating and look down to see a text from your roommate you still barely know, asking if they can have the room for a bit. Or, for those less lucky, you’ll wake up to your roommate and some rando fornicating, seeing far too much boy butt in the process. Either way, you need somewhere to post up for the next hour or so. Why not try one of these fine establishments?

10.) The Big C:
This is hands down the best place to get some super #artsy photos for Insta to show everyone that you’re fine. Everything is fine. Things are fine. 

9.) Strada:
Recruitment is in the air, and with it comes the never-ending flow of sorority girls to Caffe Strada. The ratio is guaranteed to be good, so why not try your luck?

8.) Your RA’s dorm:
Now, you can go one of two ways with this one: one, you can try to suck up to your RA so when they walk in on you taking bong rips, they’ll join in instead of writing you up, or two, you can play out your wildest sexual fantasies, ’cause there’s nothing hotter than a lil’ authoritative power dynamic.

7.) Your GSI’s office hours:
If you want to get a good grade on that paper you turned in four days late and sounds like our dog could’ve written it, this is a good time to suck up to your GSI in their office.  

6.) Dwinelle:
Realistically you’ll wind up so lost in this maze that you’ll discover some unused classroom or broom closet or something. Welcome to your new home!

5.) The common room:
Now’s a good chance to go check out that ping pong table you’ll never play at and watch two kids you’ll never see again hit the ball around for a few minutes. If you’re feeling extra confident, you can even fetch the ping pong ball for them.

4.) Main Stacks:
We go to Berkeley. Do you really have anything else to do?

3.) Go to a KA rush event:
Here you’ll really learn to pick up chicks! No, not really, but you will be able to discuss your feelings about your inability to pick up girls over mimosas with some brothers. #soft #elephantwalk

2.) The Stadium:
It’s the 21st century, we have technology. Hop on Tinder and swipe ’til you find someone to break into Memorial Stadium with. To take it a step further, find the Oski costume and get ready for some serious role-play.

1.) Don’t go anywhere:
Just stay in the room. It’s the first week, so you gotta establish yourself as the alpha. Let him know you’re perfectly willing to sit and wait for them to be done. Hell, ask if they need an extra hand. Power moves only.

In the end, the lesson here is that you can either go get some yourself, or you can resign yourself to the fact that you’re a loser freshman pledge with no game. Either way, there’s always a home for you on this campus that’s guaranteed to be better than your forced triple in Unit 2.

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