Desperate times call for unethical behavior. As it’s Berkeley, naturally you’re number 103 on the waitlist of a 40 person class you need to take to graduate. Since there are no strictly “within legal parameters” options of getting off still left on the table, you might need to get a bit creative. As a note, The Black Sheep does not condone any of these methods; these are all simply methods sure to get you off the waitlist, if you were curious.
5.) Kill enrolled students:
There are many ways to go about this, but perhaps the most effective is inciting other students to do the job for you. Settle for killing off maybe just one student and then rousing suspicion. On a campus of over 40,000, mostly socially-inept students, this shouldn’t be an issue. Next thing you know the whole class will be playing a giant game of Clue, throwing accusations left and right. It’ll eventually devolve into a giant fiasco a la Agatha Christie where students starting killing suspected murderers to save their own hide.
4.) Hack Cal Central:
If someone sitting on their bed who weighs 400 pounds can hack the DNC, then we have full confidence a Berkeley student could tap into Cal Central—the worst website conceived since Telebears, which was previously the worst website conceived since whatever was before Telebears. Enlist a tech savvy student, like an EECS major or Foothill resident by offering them soap or human companionship to aid you on your mission.
This won’t really work as well with real majors, but you could coax a media studies or English professor who’s not swimming in dough from big time research. Offer them a sandwich or a gift card to Tiv’s that still has some leftover credit and they will very well let you in. Bribery is a tried and true method as old as time itself, so why should that not be the case at Berkeley?
2.) Identity Theft:
People lose their Cal ID cards all the time. That’s easy peasy identity theft. All you have to do afterwards is impersonate them in class for the whole semester. If you don’t have anyone specific to impersonate just go by the feel of whatever the class your trying to get into is. For example, wear Sperry’s for a Haas class, wear Birkenstocks and tie dye for sociology, or join a sorority for a media studies class.
Wait it out. This is the final option, when there is nothing left. It’ll be a brutal war of attrition. But, your competitors are weak minded. They’ll drop like flies. You’ll see. Destroy them with your patience.
If you go on a killing rampage in order to get off the waitlist, again, please don’t blame us. We merely said, hypothetically, it will for sure work. Not that you should do it. Kbye!~
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