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5 Ways These Berkeley Freshmen Are Already Changing The World After Only 3 Weeks!

UC Berkeley is known for making history with iconic student-led agendas. Freshmen come to Berkeley with passion in their hearts for social change, dreams of protesting, and the intelligence to innovate progress. Here are five ways that our newest freshmen class has already altered the course of history!:

5.) Michael Goodman, 18, Enrolled in Intro to Soc!

Wow, freshman Michael Goodman has already made waves by enrolling in Introduction to Sociology. “I always said Karl Marx was on to something,” states Goodman. “And now that I’ve actually read an excerpt from The Communist Manifesto, I believe in his philosophy even more.” With a little boost from his parents (who pay $30,000 a year for his rent, food, and tuition), Michael is transitioning the world into a bright future of democratic socialism by planning to bring up politics at Thanksgiving to relatives who will be dead before the next election. Awesome Michael! Way to make a difference!

4.) Chelsea Merrill, 17, Started growing out her armpit hair!

Now this is real bravery: conventionally attractive, thin, blonde, Eurocentrically-featured Chelsea Merrill is putting an end to gender roles once and for all by growing out her armpit hair. “I would show you if I were wearing a tank top,” said the bold freshman. “I promise it’s there. I mean, it will be there, it’s still growing in,” she added. How radical is it that this girl with white privilege and whose Berkeley degree will keep her afloat in any job market is sacrificing so much for all the women out there? We’re with you, sis!

3.) River O’Conner, 19, Joined a co-op instead of a frat!

“I wanted to find a community at Cal, but I don’t believe in Greek life. That shit’s a dying system, man, and as a feminist, I can’t hang with their history of treating women poorly,” explained O’Conner. “Instead I joined a co-op. It’s so different,” he said while putting on his rock climbing shoes. Co-ops are a radical space: unlike the binary division of genders in the Greek system, they are co-ed. “It’s feminist as hell,” River proudly stated. “And I have great relationships with women—I respect them, which means that they want to have sex with me. They don’t even have to ask me to go down on them! I just do it.” Isn’t it cool that River preys upon the girls that live in his own home, rather than simply select a party-goer for predation like those awful fraternity boys?

2.) Danica Fong, 18, Became vegetarian after seeing the meat in our dining halls!

“I took one look at that chicken paella at Crossroads, and I knew something was wrong with it,” explains Fong. “It was this moment of enlightenment that I realized wow, meat is really gross. I’ve never thought that before, but seeing that lukewarm piece of poultry caused a real revelation.” Danica stopped eating meat last week. Phew! Thanks for ending agribusiness’ reign of terror, Danica!

1.) Cassidy Clark, 18, Joined a sorority that does philanthropy!

Cassidy Clark joined Chi Omega this semester, and can’t wait to buy a $300 dress to raise $75 for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. “I think that people get the impression that sororities are all about selfish social gains, but since joining Chi O, I’ve become the most selfless I’ve ever been,” Clark stated. “Do you think that’s a good Instagram caption?” she added.

Wow, Berkeley truly holds the next Mandelas, Gandhis, and Malalas! Go Bears!

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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