Whether you’re up to your ears already studying for the second Chem 1A midterm, or writing your third 8 page essay on the reasons why white men suck, you’re likely running on three hours of sleep off half an Adderall you snorted for breakfast three days ago. So before throwing your hands in the air and dropping out—or worse, transferring to media studies—here are a few places we’ve deemed to be perfect for screaming “everything is fine” to a) let off some steam and b) make some vague attempt to convince both yourself and your fellow Bears that your whole life, contrary to popular belief, isn’t completely going down in flames.
8.) Crossroads after 9 p.m.:
Devoid of the once popular late night, you’re sure to have the entire place to yourself. This place is especially perfect for those wanting to truly feel the echoes of “Everything’s fine! Everything’s fine!” crashing into their eardrums, drowning out that constant voice of “you’re a failure! You’re a failure!”
7.) The top of 4.0 Hill:
While rolling down this hill will (spoiler alert) help you achieve a perfect GPA exactly 0/10 times, screaming at the top of it is sure to be a cathartic experience 10/10 times.
6.) Any frat on a Friday night:
It would just be nice to hear that everything is fine at any of these fine establishments, for once.
5.) Asian Ghetto:
This place is half people who give about 0 fucks and half people who are fucked up. No one will take any notice of your screams, leaving you free to do as you please.
4.) On a stoop next to Terry:
Just go to Sproul and pop a squat on one of those pillars right next to Terry. His screaming about the fascists and American bombings and everything in between is sure to distract from your repeated shrieks of “EVERYTHING. IS. FINE.”
3.) Any BCR meeting:
Okay so there’s no real reason we have for this place. We just think it would be funny.
2.) The SLC:
Get here right around 1 for maximum impact, go right up to the second floor landing, and scream “EVERYTHING IS FINE,” at the top of your lungs. You’re sure to start a riot, as each and every student there joins in the chant of “everything is fine” because—let’s face it: if you’re actually going to the SLC tutors for help, everything has never been less fine.
1.) The Tang Center:
Even if you go in screaming “everything is fine,” you’ll leave with the diagnosis for a yeast infection. But hey, at least you’ll have a spare prescription ready for next time!
While your life may be falling apart, never fear; there’s nothing that a good old-fashioned scream and cry fest won’t fix. Just remember, EVERYTHING IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE.
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