The Black Sheep has been tapping into your Google search history, stalking your Facebook feed, and watching the porn you watch in order collect precious information about our reader base. After meticulously combing through the data, and an embarrassing amount of animal porn (I mean come on folks you go to the #1 Public University for Christ’s sake), we present to you 8 graphs that depict student life at UC Berkeley.
8.) Discussion Section Attendance Over Time:
The first week is mandatory, and as the semester goes by, students realize that they “learn better on their own,” or that “office hours are more helpful,” but mostly that they would rather sleep in more than attend a discussion for a class they don’t attend either.
Note: The graph from “8a.m. Lectures Attended Over Time” shows a similar trend.
7.) Time Spent At The Library:
It seems that going to Main Stacks because it’s a more productive space causes the Procrastination Complex to fire off in every justifiable way to push off work: “The lighting is bad there.” “Oops forgot I need to call my parents.” “I have to send some emails first,” etc. In fact, this data was compiled at the library to avoid studying for actually important and useful stuff.
6.) GPA Versus Effort Based Off Major:
Don’t let the data deceive you, there was an extra “legitimacy of major “statistic that was excluded due to it being based mostly on “harsh subjectivity.” But we all know the truth…
5.) Hanging Out:
Who needs new friends when you already have an established friend group? Plus, it’s so stressful meeting new people and painful having to talk to them about their major and where they’re from or whatever. You’ll lose most of your friends by the end of college anyway!
4.) Natty Ices Chugged Per Week:
Natty Ice, the lifeblood of the frat scene. It’s a known fact that all plumbing in frat houses utilize cheap bear instead of water, which may account for the dominance of Bros in this metric. Outside of Greek life, Natural Ice occasionally makes an appearance at house parties when the budget is tight, or when the rager is particularly “fat.” And yes we all know it tastes like animal piss, but it does make drunk happen. So either shut up and drink it. Or if it’s really that bad, find an alternative like Angry Orchard Hard Cider, Smirnoff Ice, or Mike’s Hard Lemonade, but know you’ll face criticism from your peers (and what could be worse than that?)
3.) Times Hearing “#1 Public University in the World”:
Did you know that UC Berkeley is the #1 public university in the world?
2.) Woke Level:
Berkeley has a reputation of creating ideological revolutionaries, political activists that change the world with their words alone, like Mario Savio, or, um, you know, the other often-cited famous activists bred by the school. But even they started at humble beginnings. Some start off as uneducated cis-gendered swine who don’t know a thing about the systematic marginalization of underrepresented cultural groups. However, with each passing semester, their “wokeness” slowly grows. The drop off at the end of the data was mostly due to the fact that students surveyed in their fifth year were too concerned with graduating before becoming career students to live a significantly “woke” lifestyle.
1.) Emotions Felt By Students:
This metric includes the most surveyed emotions of the student body. The usual Tuesday existential breakdown sobbing on the phone to your parents about how you really wanted to be a chef and not an orthopedic doctor like them.
The sobering revelation that if you spent just a little more time finishing that 18th century novel in the month they gave you to read it, maybe the world wouldn’t be crumbling into tiny pieces of shame and disappointment as you stay up all night writing a twenty page paper about deep and complex bullshit you came up with due to necessity.
Sleeping in all of your lectures because you stayed up ’til 4 in the morning taking bong rips to the dome with your homies, and in your high stupor, forgetting that there was still school the next day. And the eventual calm that comes over once all that falls away and you realize “eh, it could be worse.”
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