This week, US News and World Report released the best, truest, most honest, rankings of all the schools in the world. And, rightfully, Berkeley ranked #4 overall, and #1 out of all public universities. Leaving us, with one thing to say: suck it UCLA.
“They really thought they were a better school than us?” asked sophomore Lewis Johnson, The only people that go there are snobby, rich, LA kids. We’re all much more intelligent here.”
“We have Nobel prize winners, world-class professors, laboratories, and authors here. What does UCLA have? Rich, snobby, LA kids?” Johnson continued, obviously very excited that Berkeley was back on top despite being unable to come up with another insult.
“Also, UCLA doesn’t even rank well in departments! We ranked #1 in Chemistry, Environmental Studies, and even more. UCLA ranked #44. Ha. suck it LA kids… those rich and, snobby… rich kids,” Johnson continued.
Others, on the other hand, were excited for different reasons, mainly that they could now yell “#1 Public University” at any time they wanted. One woman, especially, was very excited about this change.
“Wowzerz, I sure was nervous that I would have to change my graduation speech,” some woman named Carol told The Black Sheep regarding some speech she had to give at the end of the year. “Plus, I didn’t want to change the signs all over campus that say “#1 Public University.’ That new-fangled technology would have been hard to figure out.”
All in all, the real moral of the story here still is: suck it UCLA.
You’re no longer a better school than us. You copied our colors and our mascot (seriously a slightly different shade of blue and yellow, and a slightly different bear….. ok.) And, to get to your ranking on the US News and World Report website, you have to click this annoying next button at the bottom and it takes a second to load. So, suck it.
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