Catastrophe struck the campus of the University of California, Berkeley last week when campus officials announced that the end of the much-beloved tradition of showcasing llamas on Memorial Glade the week before finals. According to the handler of the aforementioned animals, these Berkeley therapy llamas claimed to be “out of their fucking depth.”
Jessica Stanton, 19, is one of many students devastated by the announcement. “Putting the llamas on my Snapchat story is literally the only thing that gets me through Dead Week. What am I supposed to do now? Pet a dog instead, like a fucking loser?”
Pressed for more details, the llamas’ handler and talent agent, Rob Auckerman, 51, expressed that the therapy llamas, which were arranged to promote mental health and stress relief, were ultimately ill-equipped to deal with the physical, emotional, and sadly, the sexual fragility of the university’s student body. “I’ve spoken with the talent, and frankly they’ve had enough.” Mr. Auckerman stated.
“These kids, they walk all the way to the middle of the glade, they take the selfie, they pet the animals, and next thing you know they’re bursting into tears. It’s a bit much for the llamas to handle, and that’s saying a lot because one of them is a host body for an Incan emperor doomed to live for eternity as a llama to atone for his crimes against humanity.”
When asked by The Black Sheep how he communicates with his hooved colleagues, Auckerman simply hissed the word “messiah” and terminated the phone call. Mr. Auckerman also released a statement on behalf of his performers, which he supposedly derived from prophetic revelation:
“To whom it may concern,
It is with great sorrow that we inform the UC Berkeley community that we will not be returning to campus during this semester’s RRR week. Honestly, it’s just beyond our skill set. These kids are just too fucked up. One time, a student petted my ass for a full 45 minutes; eventually, I spit in his face just to get him to leave. He swallowed it. I don’t know what unregulated drugs you’re pumping into the water at this school, but it’s out of our hands. We llamas are a peaceful and industrious kind; we may carry your chattels, but we cannot carry your burdens. Please seek help.
With all very bests,
United Llama Labor Union LLC.
Auckerman Animal Talent Agency and Bar and Grille”