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Heartbreaking! Cal Frat Bro Went to Women’s March But Didn’t Get Laid

This weekend, hundreds of thousands gathered across the country for the 2nd Women’s March, harnessing the political power of diverse women to dismantle institutionalized oppression and build inclusive structures in their place. Among them was UC Berkeley Delta Kappa Epsilon brother Trent Mulberry. While Mulberry initially appeared to be supporting women’s rights and fighting the patriarchy, upon second glance he seemed rather out of place.

“I’m here to support my girls in any way I can. This is some important shit right here,” he said, taking a rip from his Juul and waving his “#notallmen” sign in the air. He then leaned close to his fellow fraternity brother and whispered, “is it just me, bro, or do the girls in Alpha Phi get way hotter when they’re protesting something?”

The group of women Mulberry went to the march with quickly picked up on Mulberry’s fishy behavior.

“We met him at a party last weekend. I’m don’t know how he ended up coming with us,” said sophomore Sierra Castel. “Also, I’m not even sure he understands what the Women’s March is. It’s weird.”

“Yeah… I think he’s trying to hit on me,” correctly observed junior Sophia Davis. “This is like that It’s Always Sunny episode when Dennis goes to a pro-choice rally to pick up women. Life imitates art I guess.”

The longer Mulberry spent at the March, the clearer his true intentions became.

Somehow unaware that he was at an event celebrating the self-determination, dignity, and respect of women, he turned to his frat brother and said, “Dude, I came here to slay some poon but they’re all about defeating the patriarchy or some shit? What the fuck man?” Then, as two college-aged females passed by him, he raised his voice. “I’m so grateful to live in a place that celebrates women!”

The clearer Mulberry’s intentions became, the less patience his female colleagues had for him.

“I can hear him calling us foxy. He’s fucking cat calling? Here? Are you kidding me?” Sierra said to her group. “Let’s just ditch him.”

Surprisingly, Mulberry was still questionably confident in himself. “This was the best decision I’ve made for my sex life since I voted for Hillary Clinton,” he said, the irony lost on him.

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