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‘I Have Literally No Time to Study!’ Complains Cal Sorority Girl Following Fourth Date Party

The week before finals has stressed out students flocking to libraries to get that last bit of work in. One sophomore media studies major in particular, Kelli Hanson, is particularly feeling the stress.

“I am just soooo stressed,” Kelli, who’s attended four date parties earlier this week, commented to The Black Sheep. “I have like two finals and a five-page double-spaced paper and I don’t know how I’m gonna do it.” Kelli Hanson then took a sip of her “almond milk double shot espresso Bianca mocha,” from Strada and continued. “But, like, don’t worry, I just bought three Adderalls from this guy in Pike so I’m chillin’.”

Hanson continued to take an artsy Instagram story of her studying at Wurster Library, being sure to take her time to make sure it looked good, adding different color letters spelling out “D E A D  W E E K  F E E L S” and tagging the location so her followers really knew she was studying. “Wow, I swear all I do is study! It’s like I live at the library.” The self-proclaimed “nerd” who had spent an hour getting ready in the morning in case she “saw anyone,” told us. 

“I’ve literally been studying for so long,” Hanson stated after studying for 42 minutes. “I need a break. I’m gonna watch The Office bloopers or read Stranger Things conspiracy theories or maybe I’ll just take a break and check my Snapchat.” Hanson then continued to watch Netflix at the library, saving the spot next to her for her sorority sister who had gone home for study snacks three hours ago. 

Following her two-hour break Hanson went back to her Media Studies 10 flashcards, learning definitions for words such as “advertisement,” “immersive games,” and the difference between Youtube and TV.

“My classes are just so difficult and stressful,” commented the sophomore who’s spent just one night not at a date party hooking up with Zach from Phi Psi. “I swear I have like no time!!”

The next day in a shocking turn of events revealed through ten Snapchats, Kelli Hanson ventured all the way to Moffitt to study. “Wow, I’m definitely getting an A now!”

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast with Twitter’s @Rad_Milk!

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