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Citing Diversity Measures, CalGreeks Induct Record Number of Brunettes

Earlier this week, freshmen women crowded the streets of Berkeley as they gleefully met members of the sorority they would soon pay $2,000 a semester to call home. While this site was a beautiful expression of sisterhood, many onlookers where surprised by the overt diversity of new members. Just under half of the soon-to-be Strada customers, Wurster occupiers, and memorial gym users were brunette.

“Progress is evident within the Cal Greek community. Yesterday, we offered bids to 260 brunettes, only 35 of which are ombre,” stated Carly Jones, who serves as officer of diversity, and spray tan coordinator. “This is a record number and reflects our consistent effort to increase diversity.”

“I’m seriously so impressed with my chapter,” exclaimed sophomore Rachel White. “This year we got new sisters not only from a western European background, but also from that one country, you know, where Ikea was invented. And we even got one that lives in unit 3! This is so cool, I wonder if they know about Starbucks yet.”

White’s sentiments reflect large scale changes that were implemented this recruitment period. For example, Kappa Sigma Delta determined that “at least 2 of their new members needed to be from places other than, like, Orange County.” Also, potential new members could opt out of submitting their parents’ tax returns if “their wealth was already on clear display, therefore needing no evidence.”

UC Berkeley has responded well to these diversity measures, and is excited for the positive future. Dean of student life, Todd Bradley stated:

“As long these sororities and fraternities keep bringing in alumni money, quite frankly, we don’t care how many brunettes they accept. I mean what the heck, commit an ethics violation, or 10— you won’t have to ask twice about getting re-affiliated!”

Clearly Berkeley is walking in the right direction, one brunette at a time.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. 


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