This past Friday, thousands of snakes hatched across the UC Berkeley campus, born ready to ask you if you’re interested in consulting, or—should you happen to be majoring in any sort of Computer Science—if you could handle the “coding side” of some “fantastic innovation that’s sure to change the business world.” However, for many Cal students, this day marked the exact point in time that they were reminded of the time about two years ago when they didn’t get into Stanford. Does the latter student remind you of you? Well, here are some alternative plans for you to consider now that your life is effectively over.
Okay, so of course we had to start with the obvious. You spent the last year and a half of your life fulfilling the pre requisites for Haas, and were denied. This would probably be the easiest transition for you. Plus, if you couldn’t even get into Haas there’s no chances of you switching into the College of Chemistry or Engineering. Just being honest. Obviously, it’s high time someone was.
6.) Environmental Economics:
So, you didn’t have the GPA to get into the impacted major of economics, huh. While it is unclear why you bothered to apply to Haas to begin with given this, EEP is a good alternative where you’re sure to fit right at home with your fellow stoner classmates. Also, you get the added bonus of people thinking you said “EECS” when you really said “EEP”. No one says you have to correct them.
There’s been a “help wanted” there for at least a month now. Do the frat boys a favor: help keep this place afloat.
4.) Snake Charmer:
Hey, just because you didn’t get into Haas this year doesn’t mean you won’t get in next year. Sure, considering you fricked around in econ 1 and probably have a very rudimentary understanding of basic microeconomics as a result will probably mean that you’ll continue to get shitty grades, but at least if you get an interview you’ll know just how to talk to the interviewee.
3.) Instagram Model:
Sure, you go to Berkeley, so that probably gives you a disadvantage as far as “traditional attractiveness” goes. However, Facetune is only like $5. I’m just saying.
2.) Transfer to UCLA:
Obviously, if you’re applying to Haas you’re really just in it for the prestigious name and to make a lot of money. Given that UCLA did overtake us for a hot second as the “NUMBER ONE PUBLIC UNIVERSITY IN THE WOOOOOOORLD,” they clearly have a decent enough name. Plus, they definitely have more money than us. Might as well have fun for your remaining two years of college, since you clearly aren’t going anywhere with your life anyway.
1.) Wander the wilderness only to eventually starve to death in a converted bus similar to Christopher McCandless as described in Into the Wild:
Maybe after being denied from the only school at Berkeley that truly embraces capitalism, you’ll turn to such writers as Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson, who will naturally cause you to reject society and turn to a lonesome life in the woods, where you’ll likely meet the same end as McCandless considering that you are likely a city kid with no real knowledge of nature and how nature works, despite all your Instagrams of Mt. Tam, Becky.
We know this time is really tough for you, but hey look at the bright side: at least you don’t have to shed your skin every few months!
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