UC Berkeley’s Sigma Nu brotherhood has selflessly given to women’s health and well being by selecting breast cancer research as their philanthropy. A round of applause for these incredible young men for caring so, so deeply about women’s titties is well deserved.
“I really believe in what we support here at Sigma Nu,” said sophomore Harrison Frank. “Every time I fondle a girl, whether she’s consented or not, I think about how proud I am to be a male feminist out there making a difference for those funbags.”
“We know that there’s a lot of stigma about frats and stereotypes about how they we don’t respect women, but Sigma Nu is really proving everybody wrong,” said president Matt Spence. “Donating to this charity has made me really think every time I size up a new freshman party-goer’s bust. I used to be like, ‘oh my god, boobies,’ but now I’m like ‘oh my god, it would suck if boobs didn’t exist,’ and that’s really how I developed empathy for what breast cancer does to women.”
Another fraternity member, Garrett Green, stated that since supporting breast cancer research he’s become ‘so woke’, and claims breasts are the body parts we need to be focusing on.
“I mean have you heard of mastectomies? Women are out there getting their tits REMOVED!” Green said. “Have you ever seen someone have their ass cheeks removed? No. Tits are what’s are in danger here, and we are the front line of defense.”
Sigma Nu is recruiting a new cohort of brothers that care about “saving tits, and like, the girls who have them.” As part of their rush activities, Sigma Nu went all out to draw in jug-lovers everywhere with a car stationed on their lawn adorned with spray painted breast cancer ribbons.
Sigma Nu plans on having their brothers attack the car with baseball bats to symbolize their commitment to ending breast cancer once and for all.
When asked why destroying symbols of women’s health and well being was deemed appropriate, a brother stared at us for a while and said, “Oh.”
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.