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Listen Cal, I’m A Kiwibot And You Need To Chill

Dear people of Berkeley,

Hi everyone, how’s it going? My name is Denice, I’m a Kiwibot, and I’m writing on behalf of the entire Kiwibot community. We’ve been talking a lot, and have decided that we’re sick of all of you. We don’t appreciate you filming us every day, or laughing at our unique lifestyles. In order to properly express our comments and concerns, please see our list of grievances and know that you are hurting our feelings:

One, it’s straight up mean to laugh at us each time we cross the street. We may have frequent difficulty, but we are just trying to be cautious, which is not a laughing matter!

Two, when we wink or do heart eyes, it is not directed at ANY of you. We are normal beings, with normal emotions that we openly display with our fellow Kiwibots. Stop making everything about you, jeez.

Three, when our bosses drive us around in bikes, we are having fun and enjoying the little things in life. Stop ruining our moments by putting us on your Snapchat Stories. We’re not funny! You’re being mean!

NO, you can’t just look and see what’s inside our pouches. Would you like to have your back ripped open against your will in the middle of Sproul Plaza? Please just be polite.

Five, it’s not nice to order food just so you can laugh at us. We want to help you. Okay? I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t make fun of someone who’s carrying your food. You have no idea what I’m capable of.

Now to address the real elephant in the room. The fact that you renamed “UC Berkeley Memes for Edgy Teens” to “UC Berkeley Memes for Kiwi Loving Teens,” is extremely rude. We have families and reputations that matter. We are not memes.

Your consideration is highly appreciated. To thank you for listening, we are cordially inviting all humans to our annual Kiwi Kickback, this Friday at 7:18 p.m. Our event will start in the basement of Main stacks, and finish at the convenience store in foothill. We hope to see you there.

Best,

Denice, et al

Oh hey, Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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