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Southside Crime Leaves Northside Students Rejoicing With Choice of Housing


After Monday night’s report of an intruder at Alpha Phi, following Sunday night’s report of a gunned man on Piedmont, following Saturday night’s report of gunshots at Dana and Haste, following Friday’s report of strong-arm robbery at the 2300 block of Bancroft Way, the people of Northside are rejoicing.

As Cal students, we are all familiar with the Northside Living vs. Southside Living debate. Although, let’s get this much straight, there never really was much argument because… come on, Northside? That’s far as fuck!

But, of course, that has all changed now.

Yes, dear Southside, you may indeed have Frat Row and Artichoke’s, but not only does Northside have CZ and La Val’s, it also has a distinct lack of bullets, intruders, and clowns in the air.

Indeed this difference has given Northside quite the upper hand as many are agreeing that no one wants to walk home late at night and get, like, shot. Like, what a bummer…

In the mere course of a single weekend, has Northside finally emerged victorious in this age-old debate? Who can say?

Thus far all we know is that Southside residents have remained silent on the matter, sticking to their beloved allegiance for as long as they can. They only broke their silence to comment, “Artichoke’s is to die for.”


Are you in class right now? Don’t worry, you can still leave.

Posted by The Black Sheep on Monday, October 17, 2016

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