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I Spent 24 Hours in Moffitt: Here’s What I Saw

Dead Week: the one blessed time of the year that Berkeley has a 24 hour study space. In what will later be known as one of the best investigative reports of our time, I sat in Moffitt Undergraduate Library for 24 hours. This is my story.

Hour 1:
Entered the library. It was packed. Traversing the fourth floor. No seats to be found. Why aren’t there seats? Shit.

Hour 2:

Found seat after an hour. It’s on the floor. Did I say floor? I meant toilet. It’s a toilet. Observed for a while. Watched clips of the Captain Underpants movie on Youtube. Seems to be an uneventful library. Hopes are low.

Hour 3:
Stepped into the elevator. Elevator broke down. There are currently 5 people in the elevator. The lights turned off and there were four left alive, one murdered. Pretty terrified.

Hour 4:
Still in the elevator. 2 of my elevator-mates have been brutally murdered. Have you ever seen M. Night Shimalhgghanas movie The Devil? That’s what’s happening.

Hour 5:

Only 2 people left in the elevator. Unsure if I am the devil or not. Elevator-mate’s name is Britney. She’s 19 and in KKG. Most likely, she’s the devil.

Hour 6:
Britney was the devil. I repented for my sins and she was unable to kill me. Moving to the fifth floor to get some real studying done.

Hour 7:

The quiet is getting to me. There hasn’t been any noise in over an hour. All work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.

Hour 8:
Someone dropped their pen and were ravaged by the nondescript monsters from A Quiet Place. Tension is high. Wrote two pages of my 45C essay during the ravaging. It’s a tradeoff I’m willing to make.

Hour 9:

Was able to escape the fifth floor without making noise. Glad I will be able to continue my experiment. Others weren’t so lucky.

Hour 10:
Ran into a Daily Cal employee. Told them about my investigative journalism.

Hour 11:
Saw that The Daily Cal just published an article entitled: “I Spent 24 Hours in Moffit: Here’s What Happened.” Sad, but not surprised.

Hour 12:
Have you ever thought about what is beyond the universe? Is it just gray space or is space actually infinite? Am I still alive? Unsure.

Hours 13-17:

Fell asleep. It’s been a trying day. Sad I missed four hours of investigative reporting. Also sad I woke to people looking up butt plugs in the middle of the library.

Hour 18:
Had to go to the bathroom. Noticed strange door within my stall. Entered what seems to be the catacombs of Moffitt. I hear faint noises, but cannot make out where they’re coming from.

Hour 19:

Found an underground society in the catacombs. Consists of mostly gremlins. Former Chancellor Dirks is here. He’s really emaciated. Worried for him.

Hour 20:
After a long pledging period, I was initiated into the underground society. I love my brothers.

Hour 21:
Decided it was time to leave the catacombs. Emerged on the 3rd floor. Bought a Cubano at Free Speech.

Hour 22:

Finished my paper for 45C! Feeling excited.

Hour 23:
My time here is almost over. I should have saved Dirks from the catacombs. He doesn’t have much life left to live.

Hour 24:
I decided I’m going to do this experiment every week. Limitless possibilities. Maybe I’ll start writing a column. The Daily Cal won’t be able to steal that!

Although harrowing, I am glad I went through with my commitment. Now that The Black Sheep has invented investigative journalism, I’m sure we’ll be taken more seriously as an organization!

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