Dead Week: the one blessed time of the year that Berkeley has a 24 hour study space. In what will later be known as one of the best investigative reports of our time, I sat in Moffitt Undergraduate Library for 24 hours. This is my story.
Entered the library. It was packed. Traversing the fourth floor. No seats to be found. Why aren’t there seats? Shit.
Found seat after an hour. It’s on the floor. Did I say floor? I meant toilet. It’s a toilet. Observed for a while. Watched clips of the Captain Underpants movie on Youtube. Seems to be an uneventful library. Hopes are low.
Stepped into the elevator. Elevator broke down. There are currently 5 people in the elevator. The lights turned off and there were four left alive, one murdered. Pretty terrified.
Still in the elevator. 2 of my elevator-mates have been brutally murdered. Have you ever seen M. Night Shimalhgghanas movie The Devil? That’s what’s happening.
Only 2 people left in the elevator. Unsure if I am the devil or not. Elevator-mate’s name is Britney. She’s 19 and in KKG. Most likely, she’s the devil.
Britney was the devil. I repented for my sins and she was unable to kill me. Moving to the fifth floor to get some real studying done.
The quiet is getting to me. There hasn’t been any noise in over an hour. All work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.
Someone dropped their pen and were ravaged by the nondescript monsters from A Quiet Place. Tension is high. Wrote two pages of my 45C essay during the ravaging. It’s a tradeoff I’m willing to make.
Was able to escape the fifth floor without making noise. Glad I will be able to continue my experiment. Others weren’t so lucky.
Ran into a Daily Cal employee. Told them about my investigative journalism.
Saw that The Daily Cal just published an article entitled: “I Spent 24 Hours in Moffit: Here’s What Happened.” Sad, but not surprised.
Have you ever thought about what is beyond the universe? Is it just gray space or is space actually infinite? Am I still alive? Unsure.
Fell asleep. It’s been a trying day. Sad I missed four hours of investigative reporting. Also sad I woke to people looking up butt plugs in the middle of the library.
Had to go to the bathroom. Noticed strange door within my stall. Entered what seems to be the catacombs of Moffitt. I hear faint noises, but cannot make out where they’re coming from.
Found an underground society in the catacombs. Consists of mostly gremlins. Former Chancellor Dirks is here. He’s really emaciated. Worried for him.
After a long pledging period, I was initiated into the underground society. I love my brothers.
Decided it was time to leave the catacombs. Emerged on the 3rd floor. Bought a Cubano at Free Speech.
Finished my paper for 45C! Feeling excited.
My time here is almost over. I should have saved Dirks from the catacombs. He doesn’t have much life left to live.
I decided I’m going to do this experiment every week. Limitless possibilities. Maybe I’ll start writing a column. The Daily Cal won’t be able to steal that!
Although harrowing, I am glad I went through with my commitment. Now that The Black Sheep has invented investigative journalism, I’m sure we’ll be taken more seriously as an organization!
Know anyone at one of these schools?
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!
Iowa State – $300 Referral Bounty
Minnesota – $300 Referral Bounty
New Hampshire – $300 Referral Bounty
Syracuse – $300 Referral Bounty
Ole Miss – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Referral Bounty
Texas A&M CC- $300 Referral Bounty
Colorado State – $300 Referral Bounty
UAB – $300 Referral Bounty
Kansas – $100 Bounty
Mississippi State – $100 Bounty
Mizzou – $100 Bounty
Penn State – $100 Bounty
SUNY Oswego – $100 Bounty
Auburn – $100 Bounty
UNCW – $100 Bounty
Wyoming – $100 Bounty
NC State – $100 Bounty
SLU/WASU – $100 Bounty
Portland – $100 Bounty
Slippery Rock – $100 Bounty
UMass – $100 Bounty
Michigan State – $100 Bounty
Click here to DM our Twitter and we’ll take it from there!