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The Six Cutest Dogs at Cal, One of Whom is The Dog That Gaslit The Son of Sam Killer Into Murdering Those People, But We’re Not Telling You Which One It Is

Anyone who’s walked along Sproul Plaza or Memorial Glade knows that Cal is home to some of the cutest dogs in the whole damn world. Here are six of the most adorable dogs at UC Berkeley, one of which is the dog that ordered David Berkowitz to murder and wound thirteen people between the summers of 1976 and 1977. Don’t worry about it, capiche?

6.) Molly:

Molly is an adorable chocolate lab who is employed by the UCPD and trained to sniff out bombs. Anyone can see that she’s one good pupper. But is she possessed by the spirit of a demon who ordered the .44 Caliber Killer to commit violent murders across the state of New York? Please stop asking, we really can’t say.

5.) Conway:

Conway is a black and white boxer who loves treats, belly rubs, and going for walks. The students at Cal can find him on Sproul playing with passersby, or maybe in Yonkers compelling the “Son of Sam” killer into doing the Devil’s bidding? No — wait, no. Please stop. One of these dogs is the Son of Sam, but we can’t tell you which one. Please stop asking, it’s very disrespectful.

4.) Kulfi:

Kulfi, pictured here with her sister Boo Bear, is one of former Chancellor Dirk’s adorable white labradors. Kulfi was the campus’ First Dog for the duration of Dirks’ administration and reportedly loves playing fetch, committing tax fraud, cuddling with the family. OK, get that look off of your face. She may or may not be the Son of Sam, but we’re not fucking telling you, got it? Jesus Christ, you try to make one nice listicle, and everyone’s riding your dick trying to find out whether or not the Son of Sam was a legitimate case of demonic possession or simply a hoax engineered by a psychopath. You ungrateful fucks.

3.) Loooooooooong Dog:

Oh, just fuck off. Why are you even still here?

2.) Lucifuge Rofocale:

I am the “Son of Sam.” I am a little “brat”. When father Sam gets drunk he gets mean. He beats his family. Sometimes he ties me up to the back of the house. Other times he locks me in the garage. Sam loves to drink blood. “Go out and kill” commands father Sam. Behind our house some rest. Mostly young—slaughtered—their blood drained—just bones now. Papa Sam keeps me locked in the attic, too. I can’t get out but I look out the attic window and watch the world go by. I feel like an outsider. I am on a different wave length then everybody else—programmed too kill. However, to stop me you must kill me. Attention all police: Shoot me first—shoot to kill or else. Keep out of my way or you will die! Papa Sam is old now. He needs some blood to preserve his youth. He has had too many heart attacks. Too many heart attacks. “Ugh, me hoot it hurts sonny boy.” I miss my pretty princess most of all. She’s resting in our ladies house but I’ll see her soon. I am the “Monster”—”Beelzebub”—the “Chubby Behemouth.” I love to hunt. Prowling the streets looking for fair game—tasty meat. The wemon of Queens are z prettyist of all. I must be the water they drink. I live for the hunt—my life. Blood for papa. Mr. Borrelli, sir, I dont want to kill anymore no sir, no more but I must, “honour thy father.” I want to make love to the world. I love people. I don’t belong on Earth. Return me to yahoos. To the people of Queens, I love you. And I wa want to wish all of you a happy Easter. May God bless you in this life and in the next and for now I say goodbye and goodnight. Police—Let me haunt you with these words; I’ll be back! I’ll be back! To be interrpreted as—bang, bang, bang, bank, bang—ugh!! Yours in murder Mr. Monster

1.) Jojo the Corgi:

Jojo the Corgi is beyond a doubt one of the most famous dogs to grace the halls of UC Berkeley. Every California Golden Bear has a soft spot for this precious pup, and her Instagrammability has been tried, tested, and approved. Just don’t ask if she’s the dog that gaslit the “Son of Sam” killer into murdering all of those people in Yonkers in the 70s, OK? It’s very rude.

Well folks, the six cutest dogs at UC Berkeley. Keep an eye out for these perfect pups on and around campus, and if you think that one might be the dog that possessed David Berkowitz into murdering 6 people using a .44 caliber Bulldog Revolver, just keep it to yourself, K?

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