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Things Said By Drunk Berkeley Freshmen at Welcome Week

 

The Black Sheep wishes to use this article to take you all back to simpler times: to freshman year. Specifically? Welcome Week. We all “remember” our first Welcome Week, so to bring you readers back, we listened to REAL quotes by REAL freshman and decided to share you all on what we heard.

 

The Imbibing of Substances (At a Frat):

Imagine the smoky scene: several bongs sit upon an Ikea coffee table. Weed has been liberally scattered all about. There’s just so much bud and stem and flakes of weed that they should really invest in a Roomba. Man, that would be one stoned robot.

Music is blasting and Dave, a freshman with an unthinkably unfortunate haircut, turns to the large man next to him, who is staring at his hands, perplexed, and says:

“Dude, can you turn down the music? I can’t see…”

The man responds with the astute observation:

“You’re high as fuck.”

Dave says:

“I’m not high. I’m done.”

Meanwhile, downstairs in that very same frat house, a freshman totters upon her obscenely high-heeled boots, spilling some of her jungle juice on her friend’s mohair sweater. The friend is, of course, pissed. Nothing is the staple of any wardrobe like a mohair sweater is.

Too-high high-heels girl apologizes to her fashionable friend and explains,

“The drinks were just so fruity… and misleading.”

Only a few yards away, a girl who had chosen more appropriate footwear downs the rest of her white wine and declares to her entourage:

“Wine heals wounds better than band-aids.”

As people swarmed out of the frat, many ambulances sped past, prompting one particularly insightful girl to turn to no one in particular and say:

“OMG so many ambulances and I feel bad for dead people.”

 

Getting into Parties (At a Frat):

During welcome week, the Frats of UC Berkeley often resemble a Best Buy on Black Friday. Gentle, conscientious people become savages devoid of moral reckoning, desperately attempting to gain admittance.

But amidst the chaos of students pushing to make it to the doors, and freshmen Google mapping their way to “sci phi,” a single male approaches the doors of judgment and says:

“Let me into the party.”

He was a true revolutionary. May he rest in peace…

However, once inside, some parties did not prove as entertaining as advertised.

“This blows. I’m about to redownload 2048,” says Shelia, a friendly, fresh-faced freshman with cruel, grey eyes.

Her freshman friend however is having a grand time talking to a cute senior boy as she says,

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…LOL…”

You can tell he really cares about her personality.

But cool parties or not, a group of freshman guys realize they know which frat they are destined to rush as one guy says:

“Fiji has nice grass in front. We should rush.”

 

The Hook-Up Scene (At a Frat):

As a group of girls climbed the severe incline that is Channing way, one broke away to use Snap chat, but hesitated sending it as her friend leaned over to say:

“That’s a hoe filter.”

The user of the hoe filter gave that comment pause, ruminated and replied:

“Is it slutty of me to be slutty?”

Tautological indeed, but a question so post-modern in its nature that can we really dismiss it purely on its rhetorical fallacy?

And while we’re on the topic of phalluses, let’s not forget the inherent, suggestive subtext residing in all texts exchanged between the sexes.

“He said hey with two ‘y’s so I could fuck him.” A girl yelled to her friend across a beer pong table.

“I’m too broke to have a foursome,” her friend replied all too hastily.

Off to the side of the beer pong tables, means of manipulation were being discussed with extreme gravity.

“Yeah my mom came up in conversation…” one guy dramatically trailed off.

“Holy shit, what did you tell her?” the other responded.

“Nothing. I’m not using my broken-boy card yet.”

 

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