March 22, 2018
Dear student (yeah we, like your professors for the next four years, will make zero effort to know your name. Get used to it.),
Congratulations! I am really quite apathetic to offer you admission to the University of California, Berkeley for Fall 2018! You have been admitted to the College of Letters and Science, because you were either a) not smart enough for the other colleges or b) not enough of a stoner for CNR or the College of Natural Design. So get ready to be denied from all the other top universities you’re applying to (yup, we see you Stanford), and get pumped to feign excitement every time someone asks where you’re going for the next four years!
As a student at Berkeley, you will:
Struggle to maintain even a 2.5 GPA as professors will constantly deflate the fuck out of your grades.
Live in one of the most unsafe parts of the state where you will constantly be heckled, and never quite be sure if you have housing secure for the next year, and even if you do you’ll be paying a buttload to live in a triple with a bathroom you share with the whole apartment complex.
Join a community of liberal snowflakes that will constantly judge you for anything and everything you ever say (believe me, you’ll constantly be walking on eggshells around here. But don’t worry, at least everyone will know your prefered gender pronouns!).
Congratulations, and we are so sorry to welcome you to the University of California, Berkeley. Here, you’ll find plenty of opportunity to thrive both academically, and socially. However, when you don’t, you can always fall back on your 5 free counselling sessions at the Tang center! Too bad they’ll be booked until February 2020. There’s always the meme page to pick you up!
The Cal Administration. Go Bears!