Chancellor Nicholas Dirks announced on Thursday at a press conference that he took “too many hits to quit” with his dogs on Memorial Glade and decided it would be all shits and giggles to re-invite Ann Coulter to speak on May 2.
“Yeah, that’s right. We found an appropriate location for her. She will speak in the steam tunnels. Black Bloc can’t get there because it’s so steamy! And only like, two people at a time can find their way down there! This is great because there’s no security threat. We save money on security, and the Berkeley College Republicans can get their jollies.” Dirks said.
The event was originally scheduled for April 27, but was temporarily postponed amid security concerns.
“Can’t see shit down there,” Dirks reassured, his eyes in dire need of drops. “Trust me. Too much steam. I know this.”
BCR spokesperson Naweed Tahmas actually rolled a few celebratory blunts with Dirks despite telling the Daily Californian that BCR has “no intention” of working with campus administrators to facilitate the May 2 event.
“Steam tunnels are so great. I love this guy as Chancellor. Why does he gotta go? He’s my faaaaaavoriteeeeeee,” Tahmas said as he swayed back and forth in all his THC-induced euphoria. “Honestly I don’t care about Ann Coulter that much. I just like starting shit on campus. It helps me feel better about myself. Like I’m important.”
Vice-Chancellors Scott Biddy and Stephen Sutton were overheard talking amongst themselves while taking hits from a bong they borrowed from frat guy Chester.
“What even is a BCR? Breakfast Club…..Radicals?” Biddy contemplated out loud, seeking approval from Sutton.
“Dude…no. That’s so stupid. BCR is obviously some acronym for some chemical in the body. Duh.” Sutton retorted.
It is unclear how viable this plan will be, though all working together on the issues appear to be highly confident in its execution.