UC Berkeley Campus Police Investigator, Mike Branson, has been ruthlessly tracking leads on the Campus Glory Hole for the last six months.
“We’re almost certain it’s towards the west wing of campus. Beyond that we have no indication of which floor or even which building.” Investigative crews and K9 units have combed the halls and bathrooms of every library and instruction building multiple times in search of the Campus Glory Hole. Experts (gays) speculate on whether the hole even exists.
According to intelligence, the Glory Hole poses a grave threat to the campus and its 34,000 students and faculty members. “We’re not exactly sure what the Campus Glory Hole is used for, but we’re certain beyond a reasonable doubt that it’s where illicit activities not exclusive to butt stuff take place… definitely a threat to the entire campus,” mentioned Branson.
Despite the mystery, insider reports and anonymous tips to The Black Sheep indicate another story. The Glory Hole isn’t a drain on campus resources. In fact, it’s a source. It’s been anonymously identified as a “renewable source with an infinite supply of resources for the school.”
Last week, The Black Sheep received an anonymous call from an individual that was unmistakably Dean of UC Berkeley’s School of Optometry, John Flanagan. For reasons still unknown to reporters, he felt inclined to expose a secret that could have massive repercussions for the present and future state of the university.
“It’s Dirks. He’s the mastermind behind everything,” Flanagan whispered. “He uses the Wheeler bathrooms. The ones that are always locked. He uses them to fuck students out of their tuition money. He rams his dick through the hole and into theirs. They just hand over thousands of dollars and their dignity. They’re powerless. That’s how he gets away with so much. The other deans have tried to stop him but we can’t. He’s too powerful now.”
When confronted, Chancellor Dirks yelled “YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME!” then threw down a smokescreen and ran away cackling.
The UC Berkeley Police department refuses to comment.