Last Tuesday, U.S. News & World Report released a new college ranking: the most important one our generation will see for years to come . It was none other than the University of California — Berkeley that was ranked the number one university for pervy professors. Indeed, Berkeley is familiar with winning first place for many things, but for a title so prestigious, what with the dearth of candidates throughout these fine United States, to be awarded to our university—students can hardly believe it.
One tall, indignant, male faculty member who wished to remain anonymous told The Black Sheep, “The students think it’s hard on them that the pervy professors are still around? I have to see these people everyday when I get my mail or lunch from the rec room. It’s so hard to walk in there and have no idea of what could happen. We share a Mr. Coffee machine—it doesn’t get more intimate than that! The university really ought to do something about it.”
As it turns out, Cal takes the cake in jeopardizing their students’ ability to pursue an education in an environment that supports their wellbeing, an accomplishment that can certainly be attributed to their chronic disregard of the continued employment of said pervy professors. If nothing, at least Cal can be praised for its consistency, its outright dedication to the avoidance of following up on these cases of sexual misconduct involving aforementioned, award-winning pervy professors. Such tenacity is astounding.
Christopher Rubin, former first grade teacher, now chairman of Berkeley’s associative committee for the management of pervy professors said, “We’re at such a loss as to how to proceed. I mean, take Wentworth, for example. First, we stripped him of all his gold star stickers on the UCB Professors’ vision board, and when that didn’t work, we issued him a stern warning. Finally, we threatened to revoke his parking spot privileges—even that didn’t stop him! I mean, good God, what do we have left to bargain with these people?!”
Although the sexual misconduct has affected us all, it has made the greatest impact on the university itself. With such a high volume of pervy professor cases, the university truly deserves this honor. Percy Perkins, a university official, expressed the true humility that the school feels in regard to this award. “It was shocking to us all. Who knew? Each and every case that arose one after another came as a complete surprise! All 26 of them.”
The Berkeley community can all rest assured that our esteemed, world-renowned university continues to thrive and grow, and uphold its place as number one in numerous categories—even in the case of pervy professors. Clearly, the university has a zero tolerance level for anything less than the best for its students.