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So You Just Met a Mormon, Here’s More Than You Need to Know About Soaking

With an influx of transfers from BYU (a whole one and a half students), Berkeley must expect to see more soaking on campus. Although a very odd practice to non-Mormons, to Mormons this practice is as common as riding bicycles and asking if you have time to talk about our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Here’s probably more than you need to know about soaking:

It’s not sex:
Some people often ask “how is this type of act not sex?” Simple, it’s God’s blind spot. By planking one on top of the other partner with no movement, the mormon act of soaking is accomplished. Pros: it’s the perfect position for your Unit 3 Twin XL, and so quite you won’t wake up anyone in your triple! Cons: if even the slightest thrust, God shall send that Mormon directly to purgatory to await his or her soaking fate. So basically if you sneeze, you’re fucked.

It doesn’t involve water:
Commonly “saying I’m soaking wet” implies a different type of soaking. When you get out of the pool you are drenched, in the case of Mormon soaking you shouldn’t be drenched. If you are, you probably did it wrong and God will punish you- unless you’re not Mormon, then you’re chillin! Plus, considering we’re probably about to start another long ass drought you won’t be wanting to use too much water, anyway.

You don’t have to be Mormon to soak:
If you and your partner are looking to try something new to spice up your love life- get to soaking. Think, you can lay on top of your loved one for a few hours this valentine’s day to show them how much you care. What says “I love you” more than lying awkwardly on top of each other in a very uncommon position? 10/10 would recommend over sneaking into Memorial to bang.

Soaking is not a satanic ritual:
Soaking and satanism are not related, no matter what any Christians, Jews, or Muslims say. Therefore, this ritual, though very satanic for the male to endure through and equally uncomfortable for the female, is in no way satanic. It only becomes satanic once there is thrusting, aka sex. So, through deductive reasoning, sex is satanic. Unless it’s postmarital sex- the only form of sex in the world- it’s just plain evil!

Mormonism is not a satanic ritual:
Again Mormonism and Satanism are not related, even though Mormons live in Utah, wear full body underwear, and have horns and red devilish tail. Mormons are the same as everyone else, they put their temple garment on one leg at a time.

 Joseph Smith didn’t “fornicate” he “soakicate”:
You’re probably thinking, wow the founder of Mormonism must have really gotten around. To that, you are definitely correct. This man probably soaked with upwards of two woman his entire life, which is even more than Mitt Romney, the Mormon Messiah, but who’s counting?
Merriam-Webster defines soaking as “lying immersed in liquid (such as water): become saturated by or as if by immersion” which is really all you need to know about soaking.

Remember folks, always practice safe soaking! For more information, contact your doctor at Tang; they’ll be sure to have an opening within the next 2-3 months.

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