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6 Non-Sexual Things at UCD that Oddly Turn You On

We here at The Black Sheep know that UC Davis students are filled to the brim with stress, especially during midterm season. And what’s the best way to relieve stress? Sex! We’re pretty sure it’s proven by science. But, for those who won’t be getting any in the near future, the beauty of life at UCD is that there are non-sexual situations that can get you just as hard, or maybe just give you a mental erection. We’ve compiled a list of all the most orgasmic things to take your mind off the pain of midterms, for even just a second, and these 6 non-sexual UCD things will definitely turn you on. 

6.) When you have an open note midterm:

It’s that beautiful feeling when you hear the words “open note” that sends that quiver throughout your whole body. You know the one. It makes you feel completely rejuvenated because there’s nothing better than knowing your GPA won’t be taking another hit, not today! The pressure of cramming memorized facts the night before is completely soothed by the soft embrace of open note security. It does your body good because we know you’ll become the best possible note-taker ever once you know you can actually use them for something good.

5.) When your class gets canceled:

You know this feeling if you’ve ever slept through your alarm, spent ten minutes having a minor panic attack and then checked your email to see that you’re totally in the clear. You got that extra beauty sleep with zero consequences, so yeah you can be feeling yourself. It’s that sudden wave of relief that gets you hot, and nothing is sexier than a professor who’s too busy with their life to teach. 

4.) When your bus is completely empty:

Imagine this, you walk onto your bus and it’s not completely filled to the brim with other students! The lack of noise and sweaty bodies crammed together is enough to give you goosebumps. All of a sudden you feel like the luckiest human being alive, wondering what you did to deserve such beauty in the world. It sounds fake, we know, but it can happen! And when it does, it’s the best feeling you could ever have. Enjoy calmly taking up as much space on the seats as you want, it’s your time to spoil yourself.

3.) When you make it through a bike circle unscathed:

We all know that entering a bike circle is always stressful. Having to face that uncertainty and put your life on the line can cause some major panic that’ll leave you dying for a release. But whether you’re the problematic biker or it’s everybody else that has the issues, getting through a bike circle without having to worry once about maybe dying, has got to be one of the sexiest things at UC Davis by far. Once you exit that circular death trap unscathed, you can relish in the orgasmic feeling of surviving UCD bike mania another day. 

2.) When your professor pushes back an essay deadline:

It’s 9 p.m. the day before your essay is due and, let’s be honest, you haven’t even read the prompt yet. Then suddenly you get an email from your professor, and in the stressful frenzy you scan the email and you see are the word “extension.” That word alone is enough to get you feeling like the very first time, well, the first time you got an extended deadline in college that is. But hey, that little tingle of procrastination ecstasy is enough to keep you going. You breathe out the biggest sigh of relief, maybe letting a few, lone, joyful tears fall down your face and you proclaim that your life isn’t as big of a mess as you thought.

1.) When your TA gives you real feedback on an assignment:

On average, TAs seem like they care about you and your grades until you get a bad grade on an assignment and receive zero helpful feedback. How could they fuck you over like this?! We all know this life too well, but we also know that there are a few gem TAs that exist strictly to make your life easier. That one tall, sexy TA that speaks clearly, doesn’t take attendance or even gives you answers that they know will be on the test, ooh it’s almost too good to be true. When one of them sends you back an assignment, heavily annotated, telling you how you can improve, you have to admit that that shit turns you on. Come on, we’re all friends here, we know, you know, let’s just admit it.

We wish you the best of luck on midterms and hopefully, you get to experience all these beautiful gifts that Davis has to offer! If not all, at least one of these is guaranteed to make you pop a boner. So forget about sex with people because all you need is some non-sexual stimulation to get you through the week.


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