They might look fluffy and friendly, but the turkeys you see wandering around Davis are nothing short of aggressive. They smell your fear and they feed off your terror. If you’re ever in need to escape from the haunting reality that you could run into these birds at any point on campus, find peace in one of these spaces.
7.) Shields Library:
Hit up the books for some tips on turkey harassment. Get a little stuffy in there while you’re waiting for the easily angered bird to pass? No problem, just grab a bit of fresh air in the courtyard. You could camp out there for weeks if you have to. Nap away while the library’s magical sleeping powers take control of your body, and dream of schools with no wild turkeys.
6.) Death Star:
If you’re walking around the MU and one of those soul-less birds spots you, immediately run to the Social Sciences and Humanities building. Don’t give them a second to sense your fear around them, it will only make them stronger. They’ll know you mean business if you’re willing to take on the most evil building on campus just to avoid them. If they’re ballsy enough to follow you in there, you must’ve really pissed them off..
5.) Taco Bell:
Most people aren’t entirely sure what sort of meat Taco Bell serves, so the turkeys won’t know any better if you tell them the Crunchwrap Supreme you just ordered was made from their brethren. This will surely inflame the constant, burning hatred they feel for everything and make them more aggressive, so weigh your options here.
4.) The Arc:
Show them how buff you are or, more likely, aren’t. Flex those muscles and show the birds you’re not afraid of them, even if you’re secretly shaking with fear. If you’re lacking in the muscles department, try running on a treadmill to show them how quickly you could outrun them. If that’s still too much for you, maybe they’ll take pity on your weak body and opt for some meatier flesh to feast upon elsewhere.
3.) The Tercero Cow Pen:
Jump right into the pen with cows and show the turkey you’ve got some big smelly allies. The moo moos aren’t always as friendly as they look. They could totally take more than a couple of turkeys, which will come in handy when the birds travel in packs.
2.) The Segundo DC:
The DC is especially good if they’re serving turkey the day you find yourself being chased by one. Look the birds right in the eye and show them what happens when you mess with us. If serving turkey as food isn’t enough, the music the DC plays is more than enough to drive any living thing away. How many more times do we have to hear “Welcome to My House”?
1.) The New MU:
The bird will still be waiting for you after you leave your hiding spot to try and head home, but at least you got to play some cool games and sit in some weird ass Lego chairs. Maybe the turkey will see you through the glass, mistake the MU for an airport, and assume you’re flying outta there, so it’ll just give up and leave. Maybe. Probably not.
Always remember you’re no real match for any turkey, so running and hiding is your best bet. Just follow these tips and you’ll definitely maybe sort of survive your next encounter with one, even if the bird’s beady little eyes haunt your dreams forever.
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