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Davis Senior Found After Wandering Lost in Death Star Since Fall 2013

Shelby Jones, technically a senior age-wise but freshman academically, finally found her way out of the Social Sciences and Humanities Building after four years of wandering around the building looking for her professor’s office hours. A notably labyrinthian building, Shelby isn’t the first to get lost in the building, but she’s one of few to finally make it out after being lost longer than 24 hours. 

“This sort of thing happens more often that you think,” one UC Davis police officer on campus added. “Those naïve kids go in there thinking they’re going to gain some brownie points with their professor, but they don’t come back out for months. Usually they’re goners after that 24 hour window. We would send search parties, but this building is a black hole, we’d just end up losing more people.”

Shelby was found when an economics graduate student noticed someone cowering in a corner by their professor’s office. “When I asked if she was okay she just kept saying, ‘There’s no way out. Nowhere to go. No way out.’ She had fashioned a cloak from bathroom tissues and wore a tin foil hat. I guess that explains why all the tin foil kept going missing from the TA office kitchen.”

“I… I just wanted to meet my professor… his office hours were in there…” the lost freshman explained, still shaking from the experience. “I was supposed to do the Ice Bucket Challenge with my friends after this. That’s still happening right?” 

Shelby’s parents, both alumni of UC Davis, immediately came to the school after her rescue. “I told her not to go in there,” her father explained. “That building has always been the devil’s work. But she said she just wanted to know at least one professor on campus. When we heard she was missing, we knew it must have been the Death Star.”

“I got lost there too when I went to Davis. I lived off of any scraps I found laying around in the offices. You start to lose your mind. You think the building is some sort of a maze that you need to complete,” her sister added. “ You hide from people so they don’t try to take you away before you figure it all out. It really does something to a person… and I was only there for three hours. I can’t imagine what Shelby’s going through.”

The Jones family will be spending this upcoming summer “looking for the deranged architects who designed this evil” and helping Shelby through these dark(side) times.

Shelby hopes to return to Davis next quarter, but has vowed never to step foot in “that God forsaken building”ever again. She hopes other students will heed her advice and “stay away from the Social Sciences and Humanities building before it sucks you in forever.”

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