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Davis Freshman Mourns the Loss of His Childhood After Club Penguin Announces Shutdown

2016 was a year of total loss and after this announcement 2017 seems to be following in its footsteps.

Club Penguin, a site for the brilliant, thoughtful and not at all annoying millennials, has announced its shutdown. Originally released in 2005, the online social network for kids and tweens helped shape the current UC Davis freshman class into who they are today.

Moved to slobbering tears, freshman Robert Greenfield decided to lead a protest in the Quad. Amidst his sobbing he explained, “I just don’t know who I am if I’m not Tuxedoboy285 anymore.” After this statement the only phrases that could be understood through the snot and tears were “snowball,” “global warming,” and long, drawn out “why’s.”

Greenfield had sloppily made 250 flyers (the max amount he could print for free from student housing) and attempted to distribute them during his protest. Robert preached that students should unite to keep Club Penguin alive, but little could be heard over the insistent yelling from an environmental policy and management grad student on the repercussions of wasting paper.

Only a couple people stopped by to listen to what Greenfield had to say, his mom being one of them. In a private interview she said “I don’t know why it’s affecting him so much. He spent the last two days begging me to approve the parent email Club Penguin sends out for new accounts. I told him to use his own email but he told me ‘it’s not the same’ and wailed ‘why doesn’t anyone understand me.’”

Robert’s protest did receive quite a bit of attention on campus. Some students who stopped by asked Robert genuine questions like, “Dude, are you for real” and “Does anyone have the time?” Others who thought the protest was a joke attempted to play along, which only lead to Robert curling into a ball and shrieking: “Is nothing sacred?”

Towards the end of Robert’s tiresome day a student approached the quad to see why an 18 year old man was completely losing it over a children’s website. Also a freshman, Talia Cook demanded that he “get it together, dude” because “this is just embarrassing.” Right before rolling her eyes and walking away she told him “they’re just making it an app instead of a desktop website.”

Robert, apparently unaware of this information, sat completely still. Bystanders might have said he was “shook.” After realizing his entire day of fits and tantrums was completely pointless he quietly stood and sulked out of the quad.

At the end of the day, 242 flyers still remained. One with which Robert had used to dry his salty tears, and the other seven his mom had secretly taken to keep his spirits high.

 

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