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Linda Katehi Shows Up Uninvited to Give State of UC Davis Address

Linda Katehi, former overpaid chancellor, ethics violator, and current overpaid professor at UC Davis, made an uninvited speech on the quad last week, in what is being called the first annual “State of UC Davis Address.”

“The state of UC Davis is terrible,” Katehi began. “And it’s all because you fired me. I hope you all realize what a mistake you’ve made.”

Katehi made the speech at a podium that was stolen from one of the Olsen lecture halls. Despite the makeshift appearance, the speech was well-attended due to a press release sent out to all the important Wellman bulletin boards.

The speech was even broadcast by prestigious news organizations, such as Aggie Studios, and, well, just Aggie Studios.

“Turkey attacks are up 30 percent,” Katehi continued. “Backwards-walking related injuries of tour guides have risen by 45 percent. Only certain parts of Tercero smell like cows anymore. These numbers are terrible. And it’s all because I left.

“Sure, there have been some good things. For instance, class attendance of the Mrak Hall protesters is at an all time high.”

The Occupy Mrak Hall Caucus, who was attending the speech, conspicuously did not join in the polite applause.

“Who did you even replace me with?” Katehi asked. “Gary? What does Gary have over me?”

Using air quotes liberally, Katehi continued: “Maybe he doesn’t have ‘pepper spray incidents’ or ‘accusations of nepotism’ or ‘scandals about covering up pepper spray incidents,’ but what does he have? When was the last time students were passionate about Gary May the way they were when they were protesting me?

“Maybe some things have gotten better since I left. Overall, though, things have gotten worse. I know that students have gotten worse because I have to deal with them now. Can you believe it? Students are terrible. They don’t know how good they had it when I was chancellor.”

The crowd of mostly students had mixed reactions to the speech.

“I don’t like her, but she’s got a point,” said one former Mrak Hall protester. “Who am I supposed to protest now, Trump? Congress? I can’t overthrow U.S. capitalism, but by God could I get a UC chancellor fired.”

“I’m only here because Katehi said I could get extra credit if I went to the speech,” said an anonymous engineering student.

“Who’s Linda Katehi?” said one freshman.

Whether or not this is a sign of a re-entry into UC politics or just an incredibly weird speech, it seems that Katehi is controversial as ever.


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