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Top 7 Things This Year’s Freshmen Will Never Experience at UC-Davis

It’s been an entire summer since most of us have stepped foot on our cow-town campus and some things have certainly changed. And since literally everything is new to this year’s crop of fresh-faced freshmen, they’ll never know what a bowling alley-less MU is like. What a shame! Therefore, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to point out all the things the UC Davis class of 2021 missed out on. Feel free to use this totally not bitter list as your new UCD campus guide.

7.) Not being in a class of like 7 million people:

Obviously, we get new freshmen every year, but this year UC Davis admitted roughly 6.8% more than last year. Guess what that means! 6.8% more bike accidents, 6.8% more people shoving past you so they can get to class five minutes early, and 6.8% more people to be the scapegoats for all your jokes. Bring on the hoards of freshies!

6.) The Great Katehi Fiasco:

Everyone’s favorite ex-chancellor has returned as a professor this fall, but this year’s freshmen will just be hunky dory in their naivety. If the rest of you were worried that Katehi would go into hiding after shamelessly stealing embezzled money and then resigning due to “ethical” issues, then you’re in luck. She’s got no shame and she’s back to prove it, while still earning her same modest chancellor salary. So everybody take her class and give her a warm UC Davis welcome!

5.) The old, crusty MU:

Unlike the old MU, everybody can find some fun at the new MU. The hippie hipster cool kids can go grab some fresh fruits and vegetables for free on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, the social outgoing classmates can play games and bowling on the bottom floor or something, and our nerdy quiet population can find ample study spaces in weird Lego chairs. What a pleasure it must be for these freshmen to have a brand-spanking-new MU be the norm. 

4.) West Village:
Apparently more freshman than ever are staying in West Village instead of the dorms. So why do they have to skip the terrible experience of sharing a tiny home with a stranger? They just get to have their own kitchen immediately? What like sharing a bathroom with 30 other people is somehow below them now? Whatever, dude, we’re not bitter at all.

3.) New D.C.:
So the D.C. has freshman getting unlimited meal plans and it doesn’t close at all between Breakfast and Late Night. Plus, there are no more guest swipes, so all upperclassmen, your dreams of returning to the D.C. for nostalgic late night cookies have been shattered.  This is just some plan by the university to get you to go to our shitty ARC while it’s under construction, because these new DC rules just made the freshman 15 the freshman 50.

2.) RIP Starbucks, All hail Peet’s:

Some people are in love with Peet’s coffee and think its replacement for the Starbucks is the best decision since their admittance to our beautiful school. On the other hand, we’re pretty sure every sorority sister is probably getting ready to rampage Peet’s and demand their Pumpkin Spice Lattes back from Starbucks. And in either case, freshmen will be indoctrinated to Peet’s early and often. Look out, SBux!

1.) The Construction-less Arc:

Once upon a time, if you can believe it, the Arc was construction-free and glorious. Now if you absolutely love working out 4.6 centimeters away from super sweaty muscular guys who will put your weak body to shame, then you should go to the Arc while it’s under construction. When you finally work up the motivation and discipline to force yourself to work out, what you really want is to be put completely out of your comfort zone as you’re squished in a confined space with everybody else trying to maintain a somewhat healthy life. Plus, who doesn’t love exercising to the sound of construction trucks and demolition? So fun.

So for this 2017 – 2018 school year, stay in school, only do drugs in moderation, and welcome some new bittersweet UCD additions.

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