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Nuclear False Alarm Triggered in Davis, No One Panics Because Why Would Anyone Target Davis?

This Wednesday, at 3:27 p.m. a false alarm nuclear warning went off in Davis, California for half an hour before being shut off. Although massive panic was expected, there was actually little to no response at all to the imminent nuclear apocalypse.

“I thought it was just the fire alarm going off in Shields again,” said one student Kevin Johnson. “I figured they had just updated the alarm to be even more obnoxious. Who would bomb Davis?” When asked why he had not evacuated the library if he thought it was on fire, Johnson shrugged. “It’s not like the library has burned down yet,” he said, “I figured that was fake too.”

Another student, John Kevinson, had a different line of reasoning for his apathy toward the nuclear alarm. “It’s week three and I already have two midterms, three lab reports, and an essay due this week. At this point, nuclear war can’t make my quarter any worse.”

A third student, who wished to remain anonymous, had another perspective. “Look I get that a ‘normal person’ would ‘contact their family and loved ones,’ but I had literally just gotten a hammock. If I responded to the nuclear alarm, you know someone was going to swoop it,” they said. “It’s Davis, so there’s a good 80% chance that it was fake, and you can’t just give up the hammock for those odds.”

The overwhelming consensus seemed to be that no one thought it was real in the first place. 90% of students were confident that Davis was too far in the middle of nowhere to bomb. However, officials warn that Davis could be a target since Davis being bombed would cripple the nation’s vastly important cow research. Still, most students are doubtful, given Davis’s strategic location of “miles away from anything important.”

“Davis is in the middle of nowhere,” said Johnson. “Why on Earth would anyone bomb central California? Wouldn’t they hit, I don’t know, San Francisco or something?”

The Davis mayor has issued a press release, stating that the false alarm was an accident, but that it “totally could have been real” and that “Davis is just as important as San Francisco or LA, lay off guys.”

Officials are still trying to determine the cause of the false alarm. The leading theory is that it was caused by a very clever squirrel that had chewed through the wires of the nuclear warning system, triggering a false alarm. Still, false alarm or not, it is disturbing that 90% of UC Davis students think that Davis is not located near anything worth bombing.

It’s worth noting though, that 100% of Davis students thought that Davis would be more worth bombing than Sacramento State.

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