So, you’ve been arrested for screaming into the void. It’s understandable: It’s one of the best ways to relieve yourself of your existential anguish is by emitting an unholy scream into the abyss, and it’s finals week. No worries. This helpful guide will show you steps toward towards appropriate void-screaming so it will not happen again.
Where to scream into the void:
You can’t just scream anywhere, what are you, crazy? A good location will greatly enhance your experience of descending into a bottomless pit stress-based despair.
For those who appreciate nature, the Arboretum is a great place to yell at plants. It’s a favorite of agriculture majors who are in the middle of their required calculus series. This is a must-scream location for anyone wants to enjoy chirping birds, exotic wildlife and a lush forest along with their throaty screaming.
However, perhaps you prefer a location that reflects your twisted and confused soul. If that’s the case, the best screaming location at Davis is the Death Star. With a poorly designed layout to match your poorly designed life, the Death Star offers not one, but two screaming spots: the highest tower where you can scream at the presumably-empty heavens, or lower level courtyards, where you can basically scream from the bottom of a hole.
When to scream into the void:
You can’t just go around screaming any time you want. For instance, if you scream in the middle of the night, your neighbors will call the police on you (again).
That being said, screaming during the day has its own problems. It can be impossible for many to achieve the proper void-like atmosphere in the daylight, so the best time of day is at dawn or dusk. These moments achieve the proper spooky atmosphere without offending Davis residents.
How to scream into the void:
A very wise man named Doctor Seuss once said, “When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you.” While it can be helpful to scream out your existential anguish, it’s important to not do it too often, or else the void will start screaming back at you. Screams from the void are recognized by the state of California to cause hearing loss and other health problems, as well as drastically increase your chances of your neighbors calling the cops again.
The best way to avoid hearing the void scream back is to deal with your existential stress in other healthy ways, such as treating yourself to ice cream or remembering that you will die one day. Getting a C on that chemistry final does not really matter when soon you will shuffle off this mortal coil.
Some students like to remind themselves of their impending death by carrying around a gravestone or a human skull, but as this can be impractical—any human bones will do. Either way, your $500 noise violation ticket doesn’t look too bad now.