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Report: UCD Senior Caught Crashing Freshmen Welcome Events Because It’s The Only Place People Think He’s Cool

The idea that freshmen are safe from douchey seniors during Welcome Week was sadly disproven when UCD senior Cale Krispen crashed the New Student Resource Fair in order to feel validated by new students who just didn’t know any better.

Frat brother and third-year communications major, Brad Braddington, confirmed Krispen’s lack of coolness with a simple, “Yeah, Cale sucks.”

When informed of Krispen’s real social status, undeclared freshman, Stacy Turner, was absolutely shocked.

“Yeah, I remember Cale. He was claiming that he could tell us which ones the cool clubs were and claiming that he held the school’s alcohol record. The fact that he said ‘alcohol record’ should have tipped me off, but I was just glad that an upperclassman was talking to me,” said a confused and ashamed Turner.

Reports show that Turner was not Krispen’s only victim. Many other freshmen including economics major Billy Reagan, environmental science major Jamie Heart, and biology major Piper Pickens came forward claiming that they too were tricked into thinking that Krispen was cool.

“He totally had me fooled,” Reagan said. 

While Pickens reported that she “knew Krispen wasn’t cool the whole time,” she was heard bragging to her other freshmen friends that she had met “a cool, upperclassman boy.”

The only freshman willing to give a full report was Heart, decidedly Krispen’s target victim.

“I was just walking around the fair, having a wonderful time, when out of nowhere Krispen appeared claiming that he could get me into the coolest parties,” said Heart with tear-filled eyes. “He even said that hanging with him would make other upperclassman like me. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was tall, with shaggy hair and wearing a t-shirt that said ‘Trust me, I’m cool.’ I just can’t believe I was scammed into thinking that he was cool – I should have noticed his obvious lameness. I mean, what cool person says they’re cool?”

To prevent further deceit, Krispen is being forced by school officials to hold a giant sign that reads “I am not, in fact, cool” for the remainder of fall quarter.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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