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We Asked 12 Highlanders What They’re Going To Do With Their Degrees

After two puffs of that stuff your friend smuggled out of the pharmacy lab he interns at, you ponder the big question you’ve been avoiding every night you’re out instead of studying for an upcoming midterm: “Is there life after graduation?” To answer such an profound question, The Black Sheep asked a gaggle of Highlanders what their plans for life beyond UC Riverside entails according to their major.

12.) Andrew Neudstater, third year physics major:
“Intern for Tesla and eventually work there. I want to be the last breed of human workers before they implement sentient, culturally-diverse androids with Berkeley degrees.”

11.) BJ Goodsen, fourth year history major:
“Make amends with ZipRecruiter so they can start letting me apply to jobs again. Hopefully, I’ll move out of my parents’ house since they cut me off from fridge access, sanitation utilities, and the family phone plan. They say I’m okay staying there, but I get a sneaking suspicion that is not the case.”

10.) Hannah Tzeng, second year philosophy major:
“Marvelous question!”

9.) Peter Singh, fourth year religious studies major:
“Any church willing to give me an entry role at $30k or over. I’ve been applying to different churches of different faiths, so I’m not really picky. Almost took on a Scientology internship, but I got tired of watching Tom Cruise movies as part of their training process. Called it quits after Eyes Wide Shut, but glad I stuck around for Top Gun.”

8.) Lizzy Campos, first year English major:
“Work here. If I can get by on making PowerPoints, tacit indoctrinations, and half-ass jokes to a lecture hall of 300-plus students, and test them on shit I skimmed over two weeks ago, I can dig it. I love bringing misery to people, anyway. Maybe they can throw in discounts to La Fiamma.”

7.) Sydney Foy, first year film studies major:
“Become the next Jean-Luc Godard, but instead of making New Wave-Marxist brand cinema, I hope to make something starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. Maybe Sausage Party 3 if the trilogy isn’t completed by then.”

6.) Patrick Weyland, third year French major:
“Cumulate enough money to visit Europe with a hope of falling for it and moving there. Plan B is to drive for Uber in Hemet.”

5.) Teddy Stuart, fifth year sociology major:
“Hoping to stay here as long as FAFSA allows so I can continue to study the human element for empirical research. Also, my folks think I’m in an overseas program.”

4.) Elizabeth Kramer, third year political science major:
“Become a premiere Congresswoman representing California and push for a policy that will let me drive down Blaine without getting pulled over for driving from the backseat.”

3.) Barney Rosenfeld, first year economics major:
“I want my legacy to revolve around being the 15th person to open a frozen yogurt joint in Riverside. Like serial killers in an 80’s horror flick, you just can’t kill off a Yogurtland located here!”

2.) Jose Campanella, second year psychology major: 
“Read minds of interviewers so I can get a job anywhere. Also, I’d apply to Ikea. Good meatballs there.”

1.) Poppy Daniels, fourth year creative writing major:
“Write for an online publication that is a subsidiary of Huffington Post that also specializes in farcical collegiate lifestyles inundated by booze, sex, and literature. What. A. Dream.”

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