Some of you don’t wanna be here. In order to not stay here (for long) UCR requires that you stay…here. If you’re not in the business of drowning in units on a quarter-to-quarter basis to graduate in four years before FAFSA pulls out of you like a regretful one-night stand, summer school is the solution for you. For you Highlanders undergoing a fully uninterrupted school year by staying this summer, The Black Sheep sends its condolences and blesses you with several steps to survive this Riversidian summer!
5.) Avoid local product:
Unwinding from an arduous summer session with weed, MDMA, acid, or shrooms is not endorsed by The Black Sheep. It does help, though! In your conquest of traversing dimensions within the machinations of your mind like Dr. Strange, go the extra mile and buy product beyond Riverside, San Bernardino, Colton, and any other surrounding city that looks like a filming location from Breaking Bad. The chap who approached you at Mad Platter may have some pills on deck, but given the clientele and chemists of the Inland Empire are notorious for their shady shortcuts you may want to go far to avoid pills dirtier than a HUB restroom. (Author’s note: Santiago, if you’re reading this, I’m gonna find your ass! I didn’t sleep for weeks with that shit you gave me)
4.) Weekday clubbing is a fallacy:
Your friends are gone, there’s nothing to do. If you’re planning on escaping from your dungeon of an apartment, think beyond the tempting prospects of going to Downtown Riverside’s dives, bars, and clubs. School’s out for the rest of the city and things may look to be lit, but you’ll be destined to find only locals older than UCR attend these places on the weekdays. Steer clear, yung one!
3.) Stick to streaming:
The telly will and should be your best friend! It’ll save you from considering meaningless wanderlust to give your meaningless life purpose. The epoch of boredom and despair will pass, Summer school will be over before you know it. Unless you’re thinking of on-campus, UV ventures, choose finishing Sherlock instead, mate.
2.) Campus is your island:
You’re stuck here. Make the most of it! Find the campus at its most desolate (shouldn’t be hard!) and treat it like the island Tom Hanks was stuck on in Cast Away. Swing from the trees, dance all you want, run in the nude (maybe). You may be losing your mind, but at least no one’s watching!
1.) Pass your classes:
Unless you want to do this all over again and force us to conjure up another five tips to save you from a summer-long depression, put in the work to pass CS008 or whatever you’re killing yourself with. It all goes to waste and you’ll be spending another Summer eating Subway sandwiches and Oscar Meyer wieners in front of a television screen while your graduated friends wave their Bachelor’s degrees in Rosarito the following summer!