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5 Things That Would Likely Happen if Donald Trump Came to UCR

UCR has had some pretty dope people come to give talks in the past. Just in the last few weeks, we’ve had Alisha Boe from 13 Reasons Why and Pete Davidson from Saturday Night Live. However, what if things were changed up and someone truly terrible came to talk to us?

5.) The slut-shamers with signs at the Bell Tower would be revealed to be his sons:

If you’ve taken a stroll by the Bell Tower on a busy Wednesday afternoon, you might have noticed the men that stand there with signs yelling about women being whores and that you’re going to hell if you wear yoga pants. And yes, we know Donald Trump’s sons are Eric, Donald, and Barron. We also know that our fine president has not been secretive about his discretion. What if these men at the Bell Tower are actually his unknown prodigies, and they choose the moment Donald Trump comes to give a rallying speech at UCR to have a family reunion?

4.) UNLH would be empty:

We’re guessing that his rallying talk would take place in UNLH, since it’s one of the biggest indoor locations. We know Trump cannot be outside for too long in the Riverside heat, or his natural shade of orange might evolve into pure red. However, the lecture hall would be deserted. Not even the people from ASPB, who have to be there, would be there. Instead, we’d all be outside together…

3.) A group bonfire:

We’ve rioted. We’ve yelled. We’ve cried. And on top of all that, we’ve studied. If Donald Trump actually had the nerve to show up at UCR, by this point, we’d be too exhausted. We’d try to stay as far away from him as possible. And hey, what’s more unifying than a group bonfire? Chilling around something hot and dangerous, roasting marshmallows. Where we’d find a pit, who knows? It’d happen though. If Scotty can celebrate homecoming with a bonfire, we can resist with one too.

2.) No one would go to class the rest of the week:

Friday’s on campus? Empty. When it’s raining? Empty. Monday after Block Party, Heat, or Spring Splash? Empty. Students at UCR tend to find any reason not to go to class. If Trump came, that’d be an excuse to not attend class the rest of the week. Or the rest of the quarter, even.

1.) Fights:

Not fights of students against Trump. Fights of Scotty the Bear against Trump. We all know that Scotty is fierce, and takes no one’s shit, especially someone like Trump. Scotty would rise to everyone’s defense and kick Trump’s ass while the rest of us cheered.

Let’s hope we never have to see these things happen. We like to think Trump wouldn’t dare to step foot on our campus, but we can’t speak for the rest of the city of Riverside. We like that UCR is its own little community, and tend not to associate with the rest of Riverside.

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