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6 Things You’ve Done That’ll Get You a Degree at UC Davis

If you’ve ever fixed choppy Wi-Fi connectivity by resetting the home router, you’ve got what it takes to be a UC Davis legend. Ever guessed the requisite 15% tip on a dining bill within 30 cents of the actual amount? No worries, you’re set to receive your statue in front of Shields Library. Davis prides itself in a pseudo-superior status over fellow UC’s like Riverside or Irvine. A darling ideal for an institution that’s a glorified Merced, this Baggins End of a place does hold a high standard to acquire a degree. Here are six of those things that could land you a degree at Davis: 

6.) Extinguished a fire:
Another Friday night spent making linguini. Your significant other is on the way and little does he/she know that you set up that the proposed study session with an “innocent classmate” will be a surprise date night; the perfect icebreaker. You step aside for 19 minutes while the ‘guini’s cooking and return to an Italian bonfire. Mamma Mia! The place is about to burn down. You ran out of Arm & Hammer baking fritters the day prior and are left with no choice but to throw the pan out the window of a one-story apartment. Critical thinking skills: 1,000,000. Davis calls you shortly after to offer full-ride. 

5.) Found a free PDF of Infinite Jest:
Young adults can have it bad. As an elixir for the post-teen soul, you are led to read David Foster Wallace’s odyssey of self. Not being able to muster the will or $3 of gas to drive to Barnes & Noble, you turn to a trusty, virus-plagued Mozilla search engine. Fifteen minutes online, after ten minutes of YouTube and 5 minutes of “adult IMDB,” you find the desired PDF on a third-party website studded with Walgreen’s ads. You’re A-OK for Davis’ Computer Science department with first-priority if you ever want to be head of the department. 

4.) Flipped a water bottle:
Did it land upright? Who cares—this act of ingenuity puts your interest in the mechanics of physics on a spotlight. Davis’ scouts will propel you past pre-requisite courses after your ventures with a Dasani bottle. You’ll commence Aggie life as a Senior. 

3.) Liking Fireball:
You’re alpha. Being the Red Ranger of your squad is a feat of courage and leadership. From having the gall to walk into Stater Bros’ stone-cold-lone and buying the bottle to pulling it out in a sea of ACTUAL liquor, social taboos don’t faze you. Hell, if the moment calls, you may even need to chase that FIreball shot with a cold lime or dab of Morton’s. Understanding social norms and defying them will place you among Davis’ finest sociology students and indubitably make you the next George Herbert Mead. 

2.) Based your political decisions off YouTube message boards:
Voting for nation-defining policies has never been easier! Ever closed your laptop in a bit of a rage because @StarHumper79 called you a “dum dum” for being uninvolved with politics until you reached an era where even Kanye West is a polemic figure of American politics? Congratulations, you’re suited to earn a Bachel…Maste…hell, a Ph.D from Davis! Just remember, a “caucus” isn’t heading back to your crib with three guys at one time. 

1.) Finished Pearl Harbor: 
Anyone who can sit through Michael Bay’s 2001 epic carries a diligence and tenacity that molds the finest students who ultimately crawl out of UC Davis. Along with poor taste in things in life. 

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