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The 7 Hells of San Diego, CA

If you’re from San Diego, you’re from a place so uniquely cool that most vacations seem lame in comparison to the beautiful city you actually live and breathe. However, the fact that you can surf on Christmas Day doesn’t excuse San Diego from having several major shitstains on an otherwise clean transcript.

7.) The Del Mar Fair:
The Del Mar Fair is easily the worst cultural event in San Diego. Within minutes, you’ll smell like animal feces and likely run into everyone who bullied you in middle school. Additionally, you’ll have a great time trying to find food that doesn’t have meat or hasn’t been prepped in a deep fryer.

6.) “The 5”, “The 101”, “The 805”:
Interstate 5? Highway 101? There isn’t an appropriate way to mention a highway without putting “The” as a prefix. In fact, it becomes a hell only when you move anywhere outside county limits and become ridiculed for having to put “the” in front of any major road, interstate or freeway.

5.) Pizza:
Good pizza in San Diego is like finding good Mexican food in Iowa. Iowa doesn’t have good Mexican food. The best fast pizza you’ll find is probably from any Little Caesar’s location that doesn’t spread E. coli virus. If you want “gourmet” sit-down pizza you might as well just cut the search short, sprinkle some damn oregano on the Little Caesar’s pie, and call it a day.

4.) Finding your car in the parking lot:
Do you drive a white Audi or a Jeep? Have fun directing your friends to find it in the parking lot after a long day of drinking with your second cousin at SDSU, because everyone in a one mile radius asked for an Audi A4 or a Cherokee for their birthday and — just like you — theirs is white with a SDSU decal on it and a sticker from the yoga studio you went to two whole times.

3.) Awful “Beachy” Names:
Everyone born in suburbia and old enough to remember Drake & Josh is named Kyle, Isabella, or Max, but San Diego County offers up the unique hell of awful, beach-themed names for kids. Naming your offspring Reef, Coral, and Shore doesn’t mean you’re naming a new clothing line, but rather ensures everyone ever that your kids are fucking San Diegans.

2.) Precipitation:
Rain? Hail? We don’t really do that here. Try driving on coast highway anytime after 3 p.m. Now try driving on coast highway in the rare three days a year we actually receive rain. If the roads haven’t flooded due to shitty coastal infrastructure that assumed precipitation is as rare as good Italian food is, have fun watching Jeep Wrangler drivers get soaked because they can’t close the top of their truck up in time.

1.) Hearing people say “Cali”:
Every time someone says “Cali”, a palm tree dies and an In-N-Out location has a kitchen fire from old oil. Locals say “California”. Out of towners say “Cali”. End of story.

If you like living in a fun, beachy place that also is full of terribly named people who only drive two types of vehicles, then congrats! San Diego is the perfect place for you.

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