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The 7 Surefire Ways to Get Kicked out of W. Wolfskill

Most overage/fake-ID-owning students at UCR have been to W. Wolfskill for two reasons: their awesome name, and the fact that it’s one of the only trendy places in Riverside. However, some people have gotten kicked out of W. Wolfskill, and that’s probably due to one of the reasons below. 

7.) Bringing your own alcohol:
Everyone loves margaritas. Who doesn’t? However, no one likes using all our Bear Bucks for one with top-shelf tequila. Students have brought Jose Cuervo in Hydro Flasks—if it helps kids in some third-world country like Brooklyn, why not! Before there’s a chance to explain, you’ll be forced to drink it on the sidewalk.

6.) Dancing badly on the bar:
With the inclusive social scene found at the most diverse UC campus, there’s an openness and acceptance we’re accustomed to that’ll guide us to the bartop and inspire an interpretive dance straight out of Coyote Wild. But sometimes, it gets to that point when alcohol trumps skill, and that means it’s time to go home. Don’t forget to shout, “Uncultured swine!” to the patron who didn’t appreciate the Southeast Asian belly dance you learned in “Interpretive Dances of the World.”

5.) Bringing Scotty with you:
He takes up a lot of space, and when he tries to drink, he almost always makes a mess. Bear with him, and they won’t with you.

4.) Going as Scotty yourself & by yourself:
For the reasons above. It’s sad and makes Riverside’s champion seem like a loser. UCR has a bad enough reputation already—no one needs that.

3.) Crying about debt/not knowing what you’re going to do with your future/midterms/the everlasting heat:
There are lots of reasons college students might suddenly break into tears, but there’s even more if you’re a student at UCR. Sorry, my therapist says self-hatred is a coping mechanism. While it’s true that people not from Southern California are constantly found crying because it’s too hot, people from Southern states will roll their eyes and tell the bartender to get you the hell out of there. 

2.) Trying to sneak your visiting underaged friend because you don’t where else in Riverside you can take them:
One thing that really puts pressure on UCR students is a friend saying, “I’m coming to visit” when it’s not for a concert. What do you do? Where do you go? What do you show them? Food4Less? Cum trees? You have to take them to W. Wolfskill, and you have to be cool about it. Unfortunately, most of the time people are not cool about it, and their fake Spongebob tattoo really gives them away. “She’s a foreign-exchange student—drinking age is 17 where they’re from!”

1.) Being from UC Merced:
You can try to hide it. But we can tell, and that’s just unacceptable.

If you do get kicked out of W. Wolfskill, or any other bars in Downtown Riverside, don’t worry. There’s always the Stater Bros parking lot. Now that the Kmart closed, it’s a makeshift bars for the locals who don’t need anything fancy and want easy access to heroin. See you there!

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