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8 Lowkey Bribes that UC Riverside TAs Won’t Turn Down

Look in the mirror, run a fist through it, catch your reflection among the shards laying on the tiles of the bedroom floor, and remember, “You did this to yourself.” It’s that time of the quarter when your first visit to the TA’s office is to plea for a chance to save your grade. Otherwise, it’s year 7 at UCR. A fool rushes in without a plan, Highlanders know better. Here are 8 ways to manipulate a TA into giving a better grade; no bodily favors, or paid assassin required:

8.) Offer to babysit their children:
Date nights can be a hassle for adults. The added stress of having a newborn can stymie dinner dates when the in-laws aren’t available to babysit lil’ Clarence. Find out if they bore any children within the last 5 years. Pray to your stars that they spent their final year at UCR sleeping around rather than finishing strong (or both). If the situation is prime, offer an exchange of one month’s worth of free babysitting if they bump your grade up 40%.

7.) Offer to be their hypeman:
Awkward discussion sections are a staple at UCR. When most students go into class without having done the reading or checking Blackboard for announcement, chances are the classroom may be hearing crickets for the entirety. Offer your TA to be their student of hype. Next time they ask for a chapter summary on the latest reading of The Crucible and the class is fumbling through GradeSaver for an answer, yell out that TA’s best characteristics as a human. It’ll erase the dead silence that could lead to bad iEVAL scores. Compliment their cheekbones and great white board penmanship.

6.) Invite them to your next frat party:
Being the President of Sigma Alpha Chai has its perks. Having a say on the guest list, you could use this position of power to offer your TA a spot through the velvet ropes. It’s been years since they’ve woken up on the wet lawn of a frat house. Get them in their element of double-pounding Four Lokos with a lick of coke, brings ’em right back to childhood. They’ll be grateful for the waft of nostalgia and gladly give you full credit for missing lecture Week(s) 1-9.

5.) Introduce them to Scotty:
King. When the face of the UC Riverside dynasty is your main slice, ask the boy for a favor. Give that Sticky Tuesday of a grouch-pouch TA—who swore on his grave he would never cave in to your requests and tears—a surprise visit from Scotty the Bear that he’ll remember beyond the aforementioned grave. Throw in an extra favor for Scots to upgrade that visit into a tickle party. Easy A. 1000%.

4.) Mix a sweet playlist:
Music is the nectar of life. Along with the perfect sound wall between yourself and annoying high schoolers visiting campus. As an intimate gesture, mixing the TA a playlist could be the bridge you need to pass class rather than taking midterms and doing other nerd shit. Once they sit through four hours of Egyptian reggae, your grade will skyrocket like a damn—uhh—rocket in the sky!

3.) Offer to be TA for a day:
TAs hate to miss routine wine tastings and watercolor painting therapy groups. Riverside TAs are distanced from the livelier atmospheres of the O.C., take the L and offer to cover them for a week. Loads of material to cover? Easy. Slightly illegal? Maybe. Different gender to your TA? Don’t be insensitive.

2.) Give them a hug:
Why wait ’til UCR holds comfort groups during finals week when you bear instant affectionate touch? Being a TA is a demanding position in which you lead classrooms of ungrateful students towards higher learning. There’s not much room for signs of affirmation. Platonically sit on their sensitive lap and wrap your arms around the big guy! What a pretty gesture. ^__^

1.) Promise to do the work next quarter:
Nothing like a hearty pact. Shake on it and promise to complete the work later for a score now. Consider it UCR layaway and plan to transfer if they agree. Apply to Davis, they’ll take anyone.

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