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Accidentally in Cub: Second-Year Caught in Love Affair with Scotty the Bear

Grade curves ask about him. The Bell Tower looks up to him. FAFSA asks him for money. UCR’s colors are modeled after his casual Tuesday. He is…the most interesting bear in the world and to no surprise, students love Scotty. Some want to love Scotty. Such is the case for second-year stats major Barbara Cohen, whose relationship with fellow student and annoying ticklish third-year Hank Joppy was put to the test when she was recently caught in an affair with Riverside’s darling Highlander.

“Like not studying for a class you rarely attend, I wanted it to work out,” Cohen confessed, holding Hank Joppy’s student ID card in her left hand and “Tartan Soul” pin on the right. Ms. Cohen and Mr. Joppy have mutually agreed to taking a break from their relationship after months of tacit detachment. Barbara takes responsibility in the lack of connection, admitting that a quarter of instruction ago she began to notice Scotty the Bear in a different light and slowly began drifting from Hank. “He was there for me when Hank often wasn’t. On the way to class, waiting for me outside of Coffee Bean, from the corner of my eye during a protest. He was the right guy at the right time!”

Friends and family flocking to Barbara’s side for support have been split on the issue. While several family members lean towards getting back with Hank after years of unselfish love and patience, her close-knit circle at UCR have fallen towards supporting Scotty. “You want the best for Barbs and Scotty’s the hottest boy in the bizz!” commented acquaintance Bob Harris. “Hank can come back from this, he can, but if ‘Shrimp on the Barbara’ put that kilted spice of a man-bear behind, she will never live it down,” declared Ms. Cohen’s roommate Suzanne Sarandon.

Struggling with a decision to make, Barbara began to retreat to campus at night to ponder on the decision she had to make. Claiming to have now reached that decision, she attributes it to an epiphanous moment she felt during one of her midnight strolls. “I recall nearing the point of emotional breakdown as I wondered who will be there for me at my lowest. Hank had my heart, and Scotty my mind. I sat down on the nearest bench to simmer in my reality to find my answer, now my undisputed love, sitting alongside me.”

Refusing to comment at the moment which specimen she chose, The Black Sheep has repeatedly reached out to Ms. Cohen to uncover the answer. Friends have stated that she’s been under-the-radar since the decision and asks the media grant her privacy. Sources have come out with claims that she spends her Sunday evenings at the bench near the HUB, caressing the Scotty statue until nightfall.

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