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SHOCKING: UCR Student Has Enjoyable, Safe, Very Pleasant Day

Fourth-year Highlander Angela Williams is a celebrated life enthusiast; at least that’s the only title of experience observed on her resume. Weeks away from graduation and a new position as Hot Dog on a Stick’s Social Media Manager, Williams is on a hot streak. Starting the streak was a fortunate day Williams dubbed “my best day at UCR ever!” Even better than the day she was asked out by the student who runs around in Scotty the Bear’s mascot suit. She refused to share the strictly confidential identity and Daniel Espinosa has yet to comment.

Looking out her Oban apartment window on a Week 6 Friday, Williams recalled the day being deceptively crisp. “Riverside’s 90 degrees by 10 a.m. remind me that I have zero, fortunately it was a cool morning!” Williams confessed. Aside from the rare occasion of having to pick out a sweatshirt, she also enjoyed the pleasure of a fully prepared hot breakfast by her roommate Amanda Zheng, who seduced a freshman into giving her a meal swipe and escaped with 7,000 calories worth of food—equivalent to three AI dorm food meals.

On her way to class with a stomach full of corn dogs and waffles, Angela walked by the UCPD building and reportedly survived.

Arriving to class on time, a first for the quarter, she found a seat next to the pulchritudinous lad whom she shared discussion with but never had a chance of speaking to. Recognizing her, he introduced himself in a suave Serbian accent as “Van Helsing”. They interacted comfortably and even consulted with each other during their midterm, giving her more than merely a heightened confidence in passing but also hope for her love life.

Come noontime, Van walked with Angela to The Hub where they disbanded so Ms. Williams could enjoy lunch and Van could make it on time to CS008. Before departing, Van asked for Angela’s student ID number and agreed to meet with her at Coffee Bean the following week for “pljeskavica and mocha”.
Fumbling for a grasp on her mighty fine morning, she chose La Fiamma as her destination for lunch. After waiting in a prison-styled cafeteria alignment of students and over-paying for a slice of pizza, Angela sat down to the sight of another God-sent miracle. “The crust of my pizza had an empty bubble of dough!” Angela exclaimed, on the brink of tears from an overwhelming sense of euphoria.

Finished with the manna and on her way to Olmstead for a 90-minute lecture on chimeras, Angela received an email stating her forthcoming lecture had been cancelled due to the professor’s newly, crippling diagnosis of “bad vibes” by his physician. This became the end of instruction for Angela’s Friday and a commencement of her weekend. “It was indubitably my day at UCR. Aside from the last day here, nothing will be able to top it!” Williams promised, following the statement with the intake of a pill she claims help her combat the oddly realistic lucid dreams she’s been having lately.

Like booze before noon? So do these guys…

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